Up and Down and Up and Down

Today I talked with my doctor, and she agrees I don’t need a therapist. She asked if I want one and I told her no, because a good therapist is too hard to find. So it is agreed, having made it through the Junely mess I am okay. If this changes I will reconsider my choice to stop therapist hunting. It seems my ability to step back and look at why I am feeling things defeats the purpose of a therapist. My constant questioning the universe is also healthy. I really like my doctor.

It’s time for the annual blood work and well… while talking I dislocated my jaw. Which hurts each time and leaves me hearing pain, which I mentioned after Sprite fixed it. I still can’t quite get it myself which is very annoying. I cannot feel how to work the bone back in, which made my doctor suspect it’s not a bone issue so much as the soft tissues are damaged. I have been holding my jaw up, and talking less and less. She noticed that my jaw doesn’t move much when I speak either, which has always been there to a degree, but it’s more noticeable now. I can talk around the “broken” sensation because the immobility of my jaw is common. I adapted and barely noticed it.

The adaptation springs from singing, you do not move your lips and jaws to make note variations, and I sing to speak but work to cadence this song to match normal patterns. So I can still talk. It’s not as loud but it’s clear and most people understand me. My friends who are hard of hearing cannot hear me as well however. That bothers me as those are the friends I speak to the most often. We’re adapting as we go, we humans. That’s the point of life I think.

I feel really good right now. I have had less emotional distress since my pain meds were upped, and my doctor agrees that this is probably related. The rain makes me dizzy still and yet I can go outside when raining to open the gate I just book it back inside after. It started raining once I went out to get her in. Normally my carer would but M the Carer is out sick. She came in and was obviously ill. It’s an allergic reaction to latex. I know she’ll be fine but she has to get treatment first. She didn’t want to go in to the ER until I promised her today was just a cleaning day anyway, where we were opening boxes and with the weather I wasn’t too into that idea. I also swore I would call her if I needed her. I added in I would try to not of course. Yes I will call her if I need her, it wasn’t empty words.

She’s been with me for three weeks, which is usually the time when things start happening and I start to have fomentation of doubts with carers. Still? Nothing. I still have no niggling doubts, the cats still trust her, the cleaning is still happening when the mops aren’t molding and sold out, and the cooking is still there. She made sure I still had food even though we cooked yesterday. I really feel safe.

Feeling safe is another up feeling, I feel safe for the first time in a long time. Not mostly secure but out and out safe. I close my door, pop the lock, and I can go to sleep. I still have dreams sometimes that are disturbing but that is my normal. I no longer have to run to mother or other in order to free myself from them. It’s been ages since I last needed to call someone out of fear of the night/sleep.

The last dream I had that scared me was only scary while I was asleep and was a rare dream where I wasn’t aware I was dreaming. I was trying to get to M by bestest friend evar, and he was up stairs. I had to find him, because there was trouble coming and if I didn’t he could be eaten by outer-space. I figure this dream has to do with my having gone out that day and been frustrated by accessibility issues, wanted to talk to him about it and he was unavailable for a few days straight. I often dream about him being out of reach when he is unable to talk for more than two days, and I dream about having to go upstairs and being stuck because of my need for the buttwheels. In each dream however, my chair is not the cause of the problems but the stairs are sentient and out to get me.

So between this and that and the other things are medically okay. We’re checking all my hormone levels because I had a period, aka RED ALERT. The thing was my period did the backwards blood thing again. For those who don’t know a period should get darker and more brown as it goes along. Mine starts out brown and turns bright red. This one also lasted for four weeks. However, instead of needing bed rest, being in horrible pain and screaming the entire time I was awake I was fine. More pain yes but not to the level that I couldn’t function. Normally my cramps feel like my spine is being ripped out, this time? Just crushed and that’s due to the location of my injury so that much pain is considered minimal. This is a red flag, again with the menses puns I know I know bad Kat. So we’re following the trail.

I am still thinking on my jaw, and how much I hate CT scans. However if there is treatment that could make it where I can talk without epic pain again, I want it. I am after all a blabbermouth. I cannot keep secrets, I cannot keep my mouth shut, and now I have to hold it shut? It’s just a little cliche. I can see this in Tim Burton animation style, some sort of morality tale about talking but there’s no real point to it. Plus the sensation is my jaw is lopsided. It is just weird. I don’t use that word much even about my body, normally I can figure it out before I even mention it to a doctor but nope. Totally weird.

Another up is Nymph. She is getting taller but not wider, she will be a very long cat. Her heritage is showing now, she is a minimum of 1/3 siamese. Her markings show this anyway, but her bone structure does, as does her miaow. It’s not a mew, it’s a squeak. She also has some Rex so her fur is curly but not visibly so, just to feel it. That adds in some very tall back legs. She literally stands an inch taller at her butt than her shoulders. Her ears and tail are much larger than the rest of her, and they are getting bigger. I am not sure if she will grow into them but she’s very adorable. She has figured out how to climb into my lap without claws, but this only works when I can sit a certain way.

Nymph has also figured out how to turn on and off my Windows Media Player with my keyboard. I have been watching Andromeda and several times now, including during my doctor’s visit, she has gotten her paws on my keyboard and pushed the play button. This requires some finesse as the play button is not located near the rest of the keys and each time she does this she has to get on my desk. At first I thought it was dumb luck but no, we had a play war for a few seconds. She hit play I reached over and hit pause. She hit play. I think she is smart enough to become a service cat, and she also is proving to be loyal enough. In the first year of life however she has to figure out what parts of a human are connected to the mind.

She figured out my hands are part of me but is working on the feet and a change of clothes throws her off. The rain makes me sleepy and the storm is getting a bit heavier so I am going to curl up in bed with the cats a bit early. I just wanted to post an update because I literally had nothing to say for a while.

Oh and for those of you who I owe lines? Working on it.

A Pale Cat and Frustration

Tomorrow I am going to write a letter, that I will deliver in person to my Medicaid coordinator’s boss. He gets a copy too. He has had weeks to respond to my calls. I have left voicemails. He called once, but hasn’t acknowledged since Adult Protective Services told him what was going on. He knows the situation. I am running out of time, to find a place to live.

Too, I am worried for William. I woke up a week ago and he was pale. I’ve never seen a cat that was pale before, but his carrying of the Albinism gene allowed me to see it. His nose was whiter than his fur, which is extremely white. He was sick. His body was cold, and even the pads of his paws had turned white. He let me hold him for a time but I put my hand on his stomach, and it hurt him.

I called the vet but with no money I was denied care for him, and I was left with hoping that he would recover. No suspsense is needed in this blog, he recovered. He ate an entire q-tip and managed to safely pass it. Every day since then I have woken, and immediately checked to see if my cat is pale.

Sprite has been more and more clinging, she cares for me too much at times, and yet there is never enough of it for her. Today she was so funny, that when I lifted her she put her paws out and struck the Superman flying pose. I will have to get a picture of this someday, because it was the most wonderful moment. It brought a laugh back into this apartment.

With all of the tragedy that I have been dealing with there is still hope. Most of what I own is boxed up, only two of my valuable items were lost forever, and although one is the stuffed rabbit that was a family heirloom, I am still glad to just be alive. That’s all I have to cling to right now, my Eviction is emminent, but I am alive.

I have learned that there are still gaping flaws with the foodstamps cards in my area. I cannot change my pin before they mail it, but with all the mail disappearing, I do not want it sent to me. I am not sure how I am to eat, because with my food allergies I cannot just get a food box. That’d be wasteful. I will not waste what could help others when the entire country is facing eviction as well.

This blog post has no happy ending yet but I am working on it. I know my foodstamps will accrue, so that I can stock my kitchen once I find one. I know too once I have a place to land I can resume trying to get the other needs I have met. I haven’t really been lonely. K has helped with that, she’s a vibrant woman and her presence has helped me to fight off the depression that I have been struggling with.

Soon, I will even update my photograph. I am cutting my hair as it is getting caught in my wheelchair and I keep sitting on it, which is painful and dangerous. I am also dying it black. I don’t know if I will look good or not with black hair but, I am looking forward to the change. Yes my red hair is naturally beautiful but, right now I am also not wanting to stand out. I will anyway, I can’t help it. It’s just who I am.

I know one other thing. When I move, I will resume writing my novel. I felt it today, the spark in my mind of creation. It’s still there. Just as the music has returned. Now all I need is to be able to go outside without feeling as if my life is in danger.

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