News: Not Bad!

I decided it is time to update on the status of my recovery. Physically I am not doing well. The Vertigo is really a challenge. I am fighting on so many fronts at all times that I feel worn out. I still cannot sleep. I am still me. I haven’t managed to find a therapist, nor have I been able to convince the insurance that I need a therapist. Sometimes I think that the government wants all disabled people (hidden, visible, mental health related, etc, I do mean ALL) to just die. They hamstring our ability to get care so often, costing them more money, that it seems reasonable to think that they would be happy if we died. All of us. At once.

I am still depressed. I am still fighting for emotional stability but my news is this. It has been one week since I wanted to kill myself last. I am still struggling with the desire to self harm, but, the ideas aren’t to kill myself now. Some of it is the old voices of my parent’s messages. My lack of value for anyone but myself takes a toll. If I hurt myself, I can punish myself and make the bad go away right? Still. I want to live and I am able to not self harm.

With all that has occured in life and the general lack of support I am doing amazingly well. For my own standards I am reaching good enough. I am on the rise. I have goals again. I can feel the words moving under my flesh again wanting out. I am still afraid, going out still terrifies me but more of this is now related to my physical body than “He could get me”. I even considered dating. I decided I am not ready to date but, I may sometime give it a whirl. I want a working wheelchair first and I have to find good spots in my riding distance because I am not going in a car for a date.

I do find it odd I have more dating options as an openly disabled person than when I was passing for abled. So over all things are not good but not bad. Just shy of good enough.

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