Turmoil and Surrender

This post was written on June 20th, 2009. I thought it was posted, found out it wasn’t after I posted my return to sanity post. Thanks for understanding about the error.

The Turmoil comes from daily life, being challenged. I am still in the middle of the Turmoil but I realized this is a chance to teach someone. That someone is me. I need to learn to be flexible. I struggle with change, one dime off on my budget sends me into an unreasonable panic, though that did not cause the turmoil. I listened to my doctor, and that caused the turmoil. I was not able to post because for the last two weeks I’ve been fighting insanity and insomnia. Literal insanity.

I officially have a seizure diagnosis. I found hidden malpractice, when a new doctor told me so. No one else had, because I had angered them by being right or whatever it is that makes doctors not give patients their own diagnosis, especially one that could make a difference in a medical emergency. My seizures might be adding to my pain. they might be making it worse. Since I have taken other medicine like Nuerontine before, and had a really bad reaction my doctor thought I should try Lyrica.

My adverse reaction wasn’t like anything he’d expected though I had a hint of a clue. The first night, when it was time to sleep I took the pill and it was as if taking speed. I could not slow down. I was having insomnia symptoms so wrote it off as potentially just a one time occurance. Second night, it grew worse and I started having trouble with focus, my logic was escaping me. The third day, I took it and then the hallucinations began. My fiance and I agree that I went through a forced manic, similar to what those with Bipolar persons go through. Needless to say I stopped the medicine and here I am over a week later still feeling it’s effects.

It disturbed the precarious balance that I created for myself. I stopped writing, I stopped painting, and I lost the ability to function. I am fighting to do what I must. My fiance and I ran into a further issue when it became, due to a mixture of circumstances neither of us can control impossible for me to eat or sleep. My brain and body are at odds. I cannot find emotional balance, I cannot find silence without the silence being too loud.

I am also mean. My thoughts, when I think something are not what I think normally but are bitter and vicious. I am feeling pain that does not belong, emotionally. I don’t normally obssess about the failing of my Sixteenth birthday but it is there, the desire for a parent’s love hanging at me, and choking me. It hurts, because it distracts further from who I am. I feel lost, and with in this turmoil I had to surrender to screaming, crying and curling into myself.

I am acting like a woman with multiple disabilities in pain. I am acting like a person with PTSD who has had their issues flung up. I am acting like the Autistic I am. Everything is wrong. I can’t seem to get it in order. I will but, I will. The scents. The smells. The whispers that aren’t really there. I know they will shift, but, I am not going to know what comes next.

The future is a barren precipice, and even home has been threatened. Shelter, food, none of it may be here tomorrow. All the graces that have happened, I am currently blind to. Tears are acid, and not pleasant. I hate crying. i hate shouting. I hate. Hate is not what I usually hold myself to. All the soft fur in the world feels like thorns too. There is no solace or comfort.

I have to fight my way back. My mind warns me to not trust my doctor, to not try again. All the joy I should feel, that I usually feel? I can’t find it. My treasures are buried and I lost the map. If you find it, please give it over?

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