Up and Down and Up and Down

Today I talked with my doctor, and she agrees I don’t need a therapist. She asked if I want one and I told her no, because a good therapist is too hard to find. So it is agreed, having made it through the Junely mess I am okay. If this changes I will reconsider my choice to stop therapist hunting. It seems my ability to step back and look at why I am feeling things defeats the purpose of a therapist. My constant questioning the universe is also healthy. I really like my doctor.

It’s time for the annual blood work and well… while talking I dislocated my jaw. Which hurts each time and leaves me hearing pain, which I mentioned after Sprite fixed it. I still can’t quite get it myself which is very annoying. I cannot feel how to work the bone back in, which made my doctor suspect it’s not a bone issue so much as the soft tissues are damaged. I have been holding my jaw up, and talking less and less. She noticed that my jaw doesn’t move much when I speak either, which has always been there to a degree, but it’s more noticeable now. I can talk around the “broken” sensation because the immobility of my jaw is common. I adapted and barely noticed it.

The adaptation springs from singing, you do not move your lips and jaws to make note variations, and I sing to speak but work to cadence this song to match normal patterns. So I can still talk. It’s not as loud but it’s clear and most people understand me. My friends who are hard of hearing cannot hear me as well however. That bothers me as those are the friends I speak to the most often. We’re adapting as we go, we humans. That’s the point of life I think.

I feel really good right now. I have had less emotional distress since my pain meds were upped, and my doctor agrees that this is probably related. The rain makes me dizzy still and yet I can go outside when raining to open the gate I just book it back inside after. It started raining once I went out to get her in. Normally my carer would but M the Carer is out sick. She came in and was obviously ill. It’s an allergic reaction to latex. I know she’ll be fine but she has to get treatment first. She didn’t want to go in to the ER until I promised her today was just a cleaning day anyway, where we were opening boxes and with the weather I wasn’t too into that idea. I also swore I would call her if I needed her. I added in I would try to not of course. Yes I will call her if I need her, it wasn’t empty words.

She’s been with me for three weeks, which is usually the time when things start happening and I start to have fomentation of doubts with carers. Still? Nothing. I still have no niggling doubts, the cats still trust her, the cleaning is still happening when the mops aren’t molding and sold out, and the cooking is still there. She made sure I still had food even though we cooked yesterday. I really feel safe.

Feeling safe is another up feeling, I feel safe for the first time in a long time. Not mostly secure but out and out safe. I close my door, pop the lock, and I can go to sleep. I still have dreams sometimes that are disturbing but that is my normal. I no longer have to run to mother or other in order to free myself from them. It’s been ages since I last needed to call someone out of fear of the night/sleep.

The last dream I had that scared me was only scary while I was asleep and was a rare dream where I wasn’t aware I was dreaming. I was trying to get to M by bestest friend evar, and he was up stairs. I had to find him, because there was trouble coming and if I didn’t he could be eaten by outer-space. I figure this dream has to do with my having gone out that day and been frustrated by accessibility issues, wanted to talk to him about it and he was unavailable for a few days straight. I often dream about him being out of reach when he is unable to talk for more than two days, and I dream about having to go upstairs and being stuck because of my need for the buttwheels. In each dream however, my chair is not the cause of the problems but the stairs are sentient and out to get me.

So between this and that and the other things are medically okay. We’re checking all my hormone levels because I had a period, aka RED ALERT. The thing was my period did the backwards blood thing again. For those who don’t know a period should get darker and more brown as it goes along. Mine starts out brown and turns bright red. This one also lasted for four weeks. However, instead of needing bed rest, being in horrible pain and screaming the entire time I was awake I was fine. More pain yes but not to the level that I couldn’t function. Normally my cramps feel like my spine is being ripped out, this time? Just crushed and that’s due to the location of my injury so that much pain is considered minimal. This is a red flag, again with the menses puns I know I know bad Kat. So we’re following the trail.

I am still thinking on my jaw, and how much I hate CT scans. However if there is treatment that could make it where I can talk without epic pain again, I want it. I am after all a blabbermouth. I cannot keep secrets, I cannot keep my mouth shut, and now I have to hold it shut? It’s just a little cliche. I can see this in Tim Burton animation style, some sort of morality tale about talking but there’s no real point to it. Plus the sensation is my jaw is lopsided. It is just weird. I don’t use that word much even about my body, normally I can figure it out before I even mention it to a doctor but nope. Totally weird.

Another up is Nymph. She is getting taller but not wider, she will be a very long cat. Her heritage is showing now, she is a minimum of 1/3 siamese. Her markings show this anyway, but her bone structure does, as does her miaow. It’s not a mew, it’s a squeak. She also has some Rex so her fur is curly but not visibly so, just to feel it. That adds in some very tall back legs. She literally stands an inch taller at her butt than her shoulders. Her ears and tail are much larger than the rest of her, and they are getting bigger. I am not sure if she will grow into them but she’s very adorable. She has figured out how to climb into my lap without claws, but this only works when I can sit a certain way.

Nymph has also figured out how to turn on and off my Windows Media Player with my keyboard. I have been watching Andromeda and several times now, including during my doctor’s visit, she has gotten her paws on my keyboard and pushed the play button. This requires some finesse as the play button is not located near the rest of the keys and each time she does this she has to get on my desk. At first I thought it was dumb luck but no, we had a play war for a few seconds. She hit play I reached over and hit pause. She hit play. I think she is smart enough to become a service cat, and she also is proving to be loyal enough. In the first year of life however she has to figure out what parts of a human are connected to the mind.

She figured out my hands are part of me but is working on the feet and a change of clothes throws her off. The rain makes me sleepy and the storm is getting a bit heavier so I am going to curl up in bed with the cats a bit early. I just wanted to post an update because I literally had nothing to say for a while.

Oh and for those of you who I owe lines? Working on it.

Jaw Dislocation and Lockdown

I feel a bit like I did the times I had survived a life attempt that was single use, the pain is everywhere. It started last night with a yaw, and when I closed my jaw I heard a deafening snap. My ears STILL hurt. One side of my jaw had dislocated. I tried to just reopen and adjust, as I’ve had minor versions of this before, it got worse. I cried. I panicked. Sprite couldn’t fix it and she made me take an anti inflammitory for swelling. She then tucked me into bed, well after I panicked and played LEGO Batman for five hours trying to not think so I would sleep. (That adds grogginess in there to my morning blah.)

My pill supply isn’t that diverse. I have my morphine, I have an older anti inflammatory that is a lot like Ibuprofen but more potent for my system, an allergy pill that was supposed to make me sleep but does make me breathe better, and periodically antibiotics for me to use if an infection is too big for my body. I try to never ever take the last one.

The morphine is for my constant pain. I did find a way to take it last night despite my jaw being unable to move. The anti inflammitory is explicitly NOT for daily use, because it can make me really sick, not where I feel it but where my liver and heart go and try and take a vacation. One pill as needed however has proven to avoid the palpitations and increase in liver function test worry.

That pill was a challenge to take. I had to find a way to get a pill that under normal circumstances my teeth scrape over into a nonexistant space. For anyone with Ehlers-Danlos or for some reason you DO dislocate your jaw (it really hurts, most of my dislocations just feel numb) the gap behind your molars is where you need to shove the pills. You work your fingers under the flap of skim between your lips (inside of your cheek) and feel along until you find the space. Yes, this hurts, and yes it’s okay to cry. In doing so you can also feel your jaw joint, and that can tell you how the dislocation is working. I also felt along the outside. My left jaw flange had snapped onto the inside instead of the outside of where it should be.

You can probably feel the difference through your cheeks as well. This morning, well nearly 1 o clock, Sprite woke me up and pushed on my face my jaw snapped down and went where it goes. It hurt. She then clung to me for a while and I made the effort to get up. I didn’t get to eat last night because I am not filtering liquids through my teeth if this can be fixed. I slept rather well, but my dreams were of circuses and pain. I was the cat woman, a feline human hybrid who’se sensuality and flexibility would tantalize your senses.

My entire body feels the effects of the jaw dislocation. My back hurts more because I couldn’t get food, I think that is the root cause. What is funny is, the change in diet until today has already been clearly a good one. I feel so good, and my pain meds are already starting to work instead of fighting through the crap in my system. Yay fat!

I realized something however as I am taking a bite of strawberry, my jaw clicking away. It always does that. When I go to the dentist (long over due) they always dislocate my jaw to fit their tools in. My mouth is small, my jaw is abnormal. I have to use the kid sized x ray sheets or they just don’t fit. Though my muscles are sore, this tiny opening really IS it.

This contributes to how little I eat. I don’t eat much, just a wad of meat and cheese, and some fruit every day. Each meal is about the size of my fist. I’d hazard a guess and say I eat about 1300 calories. I should do the math sometime. The reason the number is so low is because my body won’t move. It doesn’t need more fuel, and if it does then I eat more. In between meals I do graze on fruits, like right now to amp my system up while I consider the meat portion of my day I am eating strawberries. The packing is worth a laugh, it says limited edition. These are the last strawberries in the entire world.

I know another reason why vegetables aren’t compatible with my system. A lot of the foods I am allergic to require chewing rather than tearing. I am a carnivore with a fruit addiction. Cats eat grass, I eat berries. I tear the berries and swallow the chunks whole. I know from watching other people this is not how most eat. This is how my jaw works, I adapted. I don’t chew gum, I don’t eat chewy food. If it’s chewy for my entire life I have spat it back out. If in public I do so as discretely as I can (hello Napkin) but I won’t eat chewy food.

Some of my family may say I have chewed gum and I chew a bit, but I don’t do a hundred bites of mush, I do bite, if it’s too big, bite, and usually then swallow. I chewed gum as a kid and my entire face would swell up from the effort of holding my jaw up. I also don’t ever have my teeth perfectly closed, my jaw hangs more or less. I never noticed it before.

I admit, for a few moments I wondered if I was wrong about being up to date on my Tetanus shot, what with the cut and the fire and the exposure? This is my normal. I just regret that Sprite was upset and afraid after she fixed my jaw. I did consider going to the ER, but, I couldn’t get there without an ambulence nor could I get home after. I decided if I couldn’t eat this morning then I would go. Hurrah for spectacularly talented kitties with magic paws.

Someday I shall do a list of the many times Sprite has saved my life, It is long and every day pretty much there is something that could qualify. I don’t know what I would do without her. My ears are giving her a ringing endorsement.

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