When I break things in I really break them!

I am learning about my limitations this week. Tomorrow the repair man comes for my chair again. Before you panic I will relay what I was told on the phone by the company. This is normal! The chair comes to the company prebuilt, and this means any fiddly bits that are loose won’t get found out until I get it. They do check the chairs but heavy use vs a test drive means that this is normal.

My poor chair… it has scraped up paint from my barely fitting in my door way, the seat belt fell off, the headrest lost it’s ability stay up, and the chair keeps getting stuck randomly and spins it’s wheels without moving. All of this is the result of my going out and down the road. I would go on side walk but the side walks here don’t all have curb cuts! My next project. I am relieved though, that this is normal. I wondered if I was somehow being too hard on this chair when I am doing my best to treat her like she’s a spun glass ornament. Fragile, in need of preservation.

I mentioned my care routine for the chair to the guy on the phone (I forgot his name) and he was impressed. Apparently most people don’t check their chair for any oddities every day, they don’t try to avoid walls (I disbelieve this one) and not everyone charges their chair nightly. I do. This chair is my ticket out of here. Here being right at my computer desk praying that I don’t have to access the HDD where it will skip. I’ve found I cannot watch movies with Media player but I can with Divx for example.

When my chair refuses to go, I get scared. I start imagining horrible things, and to be honest I have yet to shake off the feeling that the front door is too much to pass. I hear Gandalf the Grey in my head. “YOU SHALL NOT PASS.” Each glance at the door, there is the whisper. I may never leave if this chair breaks. I consider this a side effect of disability and likely this is linked to my PTSD and the recent abuses.

I will pass the door, I am going outside at least once a day. Plus I need an excuse to wear a fantastic hat! If anything I am rebelling against my own fears each time I go out. This isn’t a bad thing but it can be a bigger challenge than I am prepared for. I almost went out yesterday for a walk but I was too afraid. So I sat in my yard and stared up at the sky, and I wished for a butterfly to take my wish to the stars.

No butterflies but the moon rose in the afternoon and I felt peace again. I haven’t seen the moon in a long time, and I have missed her. I know as the sun grows hotter I will spend less time outside in the day and will sit in my yard at night with a cup of tea studying the stars. The divinity of the sky has always felt peaceful to me.

I worry that tomorrow the repair man will somehow deem me unworthy of my chair. Logically, this is not how this will go but I have a lot of unfounded fear. The recent experience of no pain meds has also left me with a shaky sensation in my emotional heart. My physical heart feels fine but my emotional heart is tempted by fear.

I know a life time of fear and I have either overcome or accepted the things that scared me as a child, some I am working on still but this new fear has the potential to cripple me where other things have not. If I let the fear of pain that has seeded itself in me win I won’t move, I won’t breathe deep and I won’t sing. A part of me feels broken, but I know that part of me is merely bruised and that bruise overlays old wounds.

I am breaking in my freedom, and Freedom won’t break on me. I keep telling myself this. Yet when I prepare to go out I have to check over a list of what feels like a thousand things just in case my body breaks down. Epipen, inhaler, cellphone, sunscreen, hat, sunshade, kitty cat, cat food, water for her, drink for me… the list goes on and on and on..

So in the end I am left to see that despite parts being loose or breaking under the strain of normal use I am not broken. I must remind myself that if my chair cannot handle going to places I have to go, then something needs to be fixed and it isn’t my life. I have waited patiently for over five years for freedom. I have fought tooth and nail for freedom. I have split myself into parts to survive being penned up. Now I can fly free, and it is time to take the kid gloves off. I will still care for my chair but my chair must care for me.

I am Kateryna Fury and I have the capacity to overcome great fear. (Green Lantern reference for the non nerdy among you.) It is through my will, my hope, and my dreams that I will over come this fear. Why fear pain? I know pain intimately. The pain that destroys me can only win if I let it. I did not let it, so why let the fear of this pain grasp me? Why fear being stuck inside? I have spent years stuck inside. Is it truly being inside I fear or is it now a fear of what I have forgotten, what I have missed and being lost in the big world? Why fear the risk of the sun or my body failing? Won’t the risk come to me if I try and avoid it?

I think I’ll go for a walk now. I must see the sky and the sun. The fear has been broken.

Green Lantern’s First Flight Review

Green Lantern’s First Flight

Hal Jordan holding up his glowing power ring, glaring at the viewer through his green mask. Hal is a white man with brown hair.

I am an avid Green Lantern Fan. My DC comics reading goes Batman, Birds of Prey, Green Lantern. Darkest Night made me one happy fan girl. I finally sat down and watched First Flight. I am going to tell you now, I do not have anything really positive to say about the film. In fact I have several questions for the Warner Brothers.

  1. Have you ever cracked open a comic book in your life?
  2. Are you all really that sexist?
  3. Do you hire writers who also are unaware of source material and or don’t know how to put together a story?

I get it, this movie is for kids. I hate that excuse for poorly written slop. You know why? As a child my reaction was the same to poorly written slop. I am not going to bother seeing who acted in this slop, who wrote it, nor can anyone convince me that this film was worthy of my time.

My first complaint is the sexism.

Only two female characters speak and they are really treated as after thoughts. Carol Ferris is the ball buster, she was written as I perceive her in comics mostly, except there was no show of her softer side, her connection to Hal. Boodika was turned evil. REALLY NOW? REALLY? Not only was she poorly drawn and miscolored (as most of your aliens were) but she had to be evil? Sinestro had no side kick in the comics and that took away from his actual and abhorrently Hitler based evil.

Second point on the sexism. Abin Sur: “Find HIM.”

Do human males really have the only capacity for Will Power? Let me see… NO. I am always told I would be a ring bearer because of how much will I have. I know plenty of women with AMAZING will. I know plenty of people that would be Green Lantern Corps material. Most are women.

Third

Arisa looks terrified the entire time, has no lines, I am fine with the costume change but good lord… she is a Green Lantern. She has to be rather TOUGH.

Second:

Sinestro. This is where the crappy writing shows. It would’ve been passable writing otherwise, or maybe even fantastic writing. You see, Sinestro is written to be as obtuse as a brick wall. You can see he is the villain from the get go. Sinestro’s evil came from his oblivious lack of free thought. He was blind to any flaw with the Guardians, and wouldn’t talk about them ala Guy Gardner. Well he was more bitter than Guy would’ve been but calling them gnomes et al is a Gardner tactic. Sinestro was the perfect lantern, he was the one that set the bar before Hal Jordan outed his evil. A good Sinestro blindsides a new reader/viewer with his evil. You know, you could even make him likable to make it sting more. It is supposed to hurt. Instead I was bored with waiting for the villainy to start so the movie could be OVER.

Continuity Errors:

Lets just talk about the ones in the film. Obviously no film can be completely perfect when based on another medium. I didn’t expect perfect. Continuity errors include the whole yellow impurity, a vague mention of a green impurity and then the writers ignoring this and having EXPERIENCED Green Lanterns blasting at Yellow. Yellow being effect… there were more but this was the most cumbersome.

Lots of the voice acting was crappy, there were words that were mispronounced. Poozer was pronounced POSER repeatedly. This was just an element of bad acting. The voices were all awkward, jarring, though I admit the Hal Jordan voice was better than when David Boreanaz took the ring. Geesh.

Another element of this movie that sucks is that the Green Lanterns wait, even after rings are powered to act while Jordan gets his rear handed to him by Sinestro. Not only do I have to endure really poorly designed constructs (a construct is anything you imagine and it’s wads of light and clamps?!) but there is also the issue of these folks having Will. The entire corps is portrayed as if it lacks will. The guardians have names, which I guess makes them identifiable to kids? Not sure why but it was weird to hear the varying styles of names used.

The main writing issue however is again the Alien’s use of earth colloquialism. It is understandable in the comic after a time, as the Corps has been exposed to human idioms and therefore assimilation on both sides occurs. It is not okay in this film because not only does it destroy various character personalities (as does the abject cowardice portrayed) but further more even with a translation by the ring the phrasing wouldn’t BE with words used in slang it would be a grammatically perfect translation. I somehow doubt Sinestro’s world has gnomes.

Over all this was a waste of my time. This was a waste of your funding, and for anyone new to the Green Lanterns it is a waste of enticement. This film does not entice new fans, but instead drives existing fans away with it’s horribleness. A climactic laxer light show does not make up for an hour and some odd minutes of BAD WRITING. I wanted to see a creative construct. I wanted to see a good movie. I expected less. This was still below my basement level expectations.

It’s enough for me to give in and write out my comic character proposal to challenge Warner and DC’s blatant sexism. There was a moment in Green Arrow and Green Lantern’s team up book where Hal’s racism is called out. It looks like time for a girl to hand Guy, Hal, and Kyle’s butt’s to them on a platter of green glowing light.

Nightmares

I haven’t had nightmares since my father died. I didn’t notice they were gone at first, because I tend to only have nightmares when I am tired or when I am stressed. Yesterday I was tired and stressed. I curled up to sleep, taking the time to play some music for William so he would sleep and allowing Sprite to lay sprawled over my hips, which pins me in that position until she moves. This is comforting to me. I drifted off into the twilight that comes before sleep and felt the slight pang of fear, wondering what my dreams would bring.

I remember most of my dreams in vivid detail, and last night I simply dreamed of Super Heroes without villains. They had nothing to do and it was a strange mix of Batman and Hal Jordan from the DC universe sipping tea and staring at one another. There were no words, but it appears that the heroes who inhabited my dreams, fighting off the dark monsters have won. I think it was pomegranate tea.

I remember the smells, and as I crept through what my brain deemed Wayne Manor I found only happy things. It was strange, and when I woke, after a 12 hour dead to the world sleep my first thought was, “Huh… I wonder what that was about.” What does it mean when your heroes run out of villains?

After some rumination I decided my brain is well aware of my ability to fend for myself. The one threat that I could not cope with due to the fear, the flashbacks, and the training from infanthood, is gone. My brain embraced this. One of the truest tests of this is finding silence, nothing but happiness even with the Batman in my brain.

Yesterday I ran into people from the last four years, and I found myself frustrated by the repercussions of those roommates. The credit being taken for my work had an effect, and left me aching a bit. The happiness however, at the true friends that I still have was overreaching.

I went to an SCA event for the College of Blaiddwyn, and I pillaged. My medieval persona (who I dress up as) is a norse female who happens to love Pillaging. I start with a fellow viking, a specific individual and then pillage the rest in my own shallow representation of history. I told stories as well in a competition. It was beautiful, it was fun, and I came home with a sense of satisfaction that I only obtain in the SCA. I missed it.

I will upload videos of my stories and some pictures for you all to check out soon. You can appreciate the awesomeness of my hobby horse on the scooter, I named him Wilbur. I found bits of myself i thought were gone forever. Perhaps it was this wholeness that allowed Batman to take his tea. I wonder if he uses cream and sugar.

With fulfillment comes peace. I forgot who said that. Perhaps it was my Sensei, but, I was fulfilled in a thousand ways with in the last few weeks. A lot of that fulfillment is from writing this blog. Though I may become a more sporadic poster, I am alive.

I look forward to telling you of my adventures with the two young women who are marrying one another, with in the SCA, and as I begin to persue the only job I really know how to do in a classic profession (Public Speaking). I specify in a classic profession as I can do many things, and always have layered my life with the things that please me.

Now for the first time in my life all I choose to do is for myself, or my person. For the first time in my life it is mine and mine alone. Even with a commitment to share my life with people I love, it is my choice. When I started this blog a month and a half ago it was at the start of this adventure. It has just begun but in that short time I have come so far, and i am bringing you all with me.

I can’t do this alone, yet, it is for me that I act. I haven’t felt such power since I started dancing. Dance, sing, and find what gives you this strong sense of peace and joy. Change what needs to be changed for the better, and love yourself. A lot of the private correspondence from this blog comes from people in need of love. The best person to find that love with is yourself. I know it is a cliche, yet it is cliched because it is true.

I also offer you something that my neighbor and Sensei taught me. It comes from the Buddhist tradition. He said, “The strongest Love is Wishing love.” What is wishing love? “Wishing love is the love in your heart that comes with each breath. The joy you feel for life, and the love for anyone. I feel wishing love for you. I feel wishing love for my wife. Wishing love is the love for all people and living things. I even feel wishing love for the people who made me cry.” Why? Why love? “Love is powerful, Little Lotus. Love can help you survive anything. When you hurt in here.” His hand on my heart,”Remember that I love you.” He kissed my forehead and sent me home. I wondered then if I could feel wishing love.

I feel wishing love. Remember, when you are afraid, I love you. When you are alone, I love you. I love everyone in this world. I loved even my father with Wishing Love. I will never forget the pain, but I will also never forget the first moment of love. I will never forget the strange sensation in my heart. It felt as if I could do anything. It still does and I can. So can you.

Wishing Love-
I will cry for you
I will live for you
I will laugh with you
I will love you.
I wish you love
I give you love
Wishing Love
Potent Love.
I wish you life.
I wish you joy.
I wish you mercy.
I wish you peace.
I wish you guidance.
May you find those who can lead you in the path of life, until you can lead another.

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