Drained (Trigger Warning)

Somedays I feel like renaming this blog to Trigger Warning. The thing is anything can trigger anyone and I seem to be living the kind of life that horror movies are made of. That or life time originals. I have not given up, I needed to write that out so I could keep going. I had a melt down on the phone with the service coordinator from my insurance and she got it. I literally cannot do it on my own. So that was actual progress. Broken wheelchair and I dragged across town with a driver for medical transport that understood freezing temperatures are bad for people, and I have the piece of paper that enables me to have my pain meds. I just have to get to the costco now. Monday. Supposedly that is the day I start having carers again though I meet the woman tomorrow.

Selena still needs a new home, I realized today I failed to give her the meds she needs for over a week. Sprite too. How did I get reminded? They broke into various states of reaction. They are medicated and accomodated that but she still needs a new home because I cannot do this. I nearly passed out getting them in her today and that is not acceptable. I am fighting for food, right now I found a bag of chips and that is dinner today. My house smells of rotting dishes because of course, I have to eat. So that means the few prepared meals I had make a nasty odor. It makes me queasy. So my window is open. Its a spiral.

On top of this I did get good news. I am to go to the section eight office, after years of waiting on the priority listing I finally got in. Watching all these people around me get it has been torture since many waited less time. I am not sure what is wrong with MY application to be treated differently but I held out. The system is so fucking broken. Five to seven years? I lost track now. I keep realizing thatlast year was six yeears this yeaer is seven for a lot. Those fucking typos stay. Fucking typos badges of honor for being this coherent in my actual condition.

I found the misplaced house keys and got my mail, which held a lot of bills as always, including my internet bill which is somehow twice as much as it should be. So I tell the billing people I have very few minutes left and they try to argue with me about how I have to pay it to get my correct sum next month. That is entirely what someone with ten minutes left to deal with that situation wants to hear, “We made a mistake but because we at Century Link have the worst service ever we are not going to tell you we offer low income plans at all and will tell you directly after you explain you are on SSI that you must give up a third of your income to us. So sorry we do not value you as a person at all.” I never got to cancel my account because I hit the limit and my voice became melt down screams. I did hang up but fuck. That was a preventable melt down. Why is it so hard for these corporations to treat people as ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS?


Oh right…


I forget I have no societal value. Art is not worth it to society. Individuals yes but as a whole? No. Disability. Nope. Lets skip the list of my supposed flaws. Bisexual disabled artistic cripple singing ragers do not get nice things. I do not get to have clothing to wear because the super smiley ladies said so at HEritage. Just fucked over. I wanted this to be a great update with great progress but I cannot FEEL that. I am either numb or screaming. I choose numb. Itis much easier on my physical pain. I am a raw nerve ending.


  1. That blows. Is there any way to replace your internet/phone service provider? I hate minutes.

  2. Nope its free via Safelink from the government. I cannot afford anything else really and normally when things are not catastrophic it isn’t that bad.

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