The Atheist and the Prayer.

Sometimes I want to pray. I sit here in constant pain and it is so bad that I may vomit sometime while writing this. I can’t sleep. I can’t really eat. I can’t sit,lay,float,stand. I just exist in eternal torment. Sometimes, I want to pray. I am sure some people will read that and go “So do!” however I am not one for wasted actions. Since i do not believe in the even remotest possibility of a diety of ANY kind be they benevolent, a royal asshole, or the supreme lazy who does nothing sort prayer is wasted for me. Yet I think about my friends and chosen family and I know most of them have religion. Some are agnostic, hovering on the edge. Some are so religious it is a bit odd that we are friends if that is all you know of them.

Some prayers are offensive to me. The prayers for “god” to change my mind so I magically agree with someone. That is creepy. That is rejecting the notion of free will. People praying my gay “Away”. Sorry folks, my gay is here to stay and I am bisexual anyhow. Bisexual, nongendered. Yeah… you can so fix that with prayer. Those prayers were the only ones I knew existed until somewhere in the last decade I met people of faith who weren’t extremists, bigots, assholes, or generally intolerant of people. My angry atheist demeanor shifted because they did NOTHING to me but offer friendship. I didn’t want my loathing of religion and the institution to cost me these people. So I began to soften.

I am writing thisbefore I go to a doctor to find out what the heck is going on inside of my body. I likely will be admitted, i likely need surgery. I have few options that are positive. I know my friends will read this. I know they will care, worry, and fret. I know too they will pray. I used to flinch at every prayer, but some of that softening is my accepting that yes, if you have faith prayer is soothing to you and gives you hope. So take that hope.  I am giving permission for you lot to pray. Any surgerycould kill me and if the last thing I do for my friends is remind them that I do not condemn them for their faith but love them in whole, I want it to be that. (Okay if I do one last thing I really want it to be smiting something ala a hollywood epic film like Beowulf).

It does not hurt me for you to pray. I do not think it helps me for you to pray. If it helps you to get through the aspect of worried friend. Then pray. When I wake up, in even more pain because the only route to fixing this is more pain? I will need you. I can’t promise to be okay. I can’t promise anything but to try and get a good doctor. Just know if you pray at me to magically be cured and I hear about it I may giggle a little. i wish it was so easy.

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