Emotions

I have been quiet again. The last few months have been dominated with the rare type of thing I won’t blog about until a few months later, and then all of you who read my blog will go “Oooh that’s why Kat has been awfully quiet.” I just wanted to make sure people know I am still here.

 

Actually a few interesting things have been occuring. On Facebook I have noticed more of my non advocate friends have begun to talk about various advocacy and civil/equal rights related topics. It is interesting because a few of these people threatened to block me on Facebook if I didn’t stop advocating. I told them to block me of course, I am not going to stop resisting an abusive world structure for them. I don’t know how much of my fairly constant battering at the gates has gotten to them or if perhaps they just had a wake up call but this is a good third of my non advocate friends. Twenty or so people. Most of my friends are advocates.

 

I am also preparing for the holidays, and at the moment I am having a backlash from a PTSD free November. It’s not much but today I just keep crying. Of course there is an agitator but that is category No talky. So I cannot explain. It should be over soon, except the unending bits. It could be worse I suppose. The cats are really enjoying the holidays, which is great. I have so many amusing moments with them, and I think that this is one of the reasons November was so EASY. I am still feeling this startled sensation in my mind when I think of November, because there are MEMORIES there.

I got the cats their toys, including some low cost (ten cents or so each) jingle balls. They are getting two a week for our advent calendar. Now whenever I touch the cheese in the advent calendar, they are there, excited. I will have to get a picture of this soon, there is video for a friend who had never heard of an advent calendar. I trust you to google, I am on the edge of frazzled and am writing this to soothe myself. The backlash feels like all my emotional and psychological wounds ripped open. It is a vulnerable feeling but I am definitely okay. This sort of feeling also shows just how much healing really has happened. Which is significant.

Sylvani has been the most boisterous when it comes to the packages under the Gothmas tree. I get reusable velvet boxes when I know there will be annual gift giving so Sprite’s is there, Vani got his this year, and there is M the carers, plus the advent toy box, and Sprite’s birthday package, as well as Vani’s Big Toy. Sprite’s Big Toy was her medication from M the Bestest Friend and heart ouchy fixer. I swear, just talking to that man can act as an emotional surgery sometimes. He doesn’t always know what to say, because sometimes there is nothing to say. He was willing to drive out if I needed him when the snap hit. That is real friendship.

This man bought me a bunch of dollies, my cats got medicine, and he was willing to spend a LOT of gas money. I love him but sometimes I worry I don’t show it enough. He has the same worry so I think we’re okay there. I am working on getting to California, a part of me wanted to pack up today and just go. That almost happened actually, but if I just go I won’t be able to survive and therefore I must wait a littlewhile. Which is fine. I finetuned the plan.

I also have been feeling creative again. I painted, the pain in my hands wasn’t that bad, though writing is still supremely painful. The clay, the painting, and the stories I am writing for the movies I will be making with the dollies. All of this is in a realm I had left alone for a while to heal. I had worried in my thoughts, and sometimes here that I would never create again. I repainted some Barbie furniture and again, pictures eventually (with the dollies of course so you have to wait for Ghoulia Yelps) but I actually am better at the repainting than I used to be. I have a red leather fainting couch in victorian style for fashion dolls. No one else has one because I made it myself.

Back to the cats and Christmas, it does tie in but I think my writing shows my jumbled state at the moment. I am all over the place and that’s normal for this sort of thing. I have a few unwrapped boxes, why wrap them when the people who sell them do enough wasting of environmental resources for shiny packing? Plus the boxes are preeeetty. Once Sylvani found he just cannot get to the toys in the boxes, and he and Sprite both try at least once a day; they have been peaking like naughty children, He began to try to OPEN my boxes. (Monster High toys, Mattel’s difficult packing).

 

When the squirt bottle dissuaded this tactic he went for the stockings on the wall. They are already stuffed and yet it wasn’t his stocking he went for which has the catnip in it, nor sprites which also has nip and some jingly products. Mine. No idea why, but he tried to get that thing DOWN to find out what it is. He is as bad as a two year old.

I did get a few presents early, which is a boon of not having a real religion. I can have my presents whenever I get tired of waiting, but I am enjoying the cats struggle with the boxes for now. Sprite is a bit miffed at me because her curiosity is burning. Vani has tried to be SUPER adorable. Both have been really great about not attacking the tree too. There has been sniffing, each has poked an ornament or two with a paw and then they left it be. This is a tree with a LOT of temptations in fragile glass. If I were a feline I could not be so good.

They both have opinions on Christmas Music too, Vani likes Rudolf. Sprite and I loathe Rudolf. Sprite likes the cheerier songs like Winter Wonderland, and I prefer the melancholic White Christmas. I am also working on the not hoarding thing. It’s going okay so far. I have eaten every day three times a day and most days a small snack since the Uh Oh moment. I feel good physically and I am able to look back to a year ago. Comparatively my health has improved drastically. I am pink, not this sortof dead color. My skin has yet to recover fully from the anthrax and other stuff and it may never. I knew that for a while. I just want it over.

I think things will never quite feel over until I am gone from this state.

 

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1 Comment

  1. Good to hear from you Kat. I hope the move is safe and quick. Give your cats a hug from me. I’m glad to know M is there for you, it sounds wonderful. Can’t wait to hear what you have to say about Things That Must Be Spoken Of Later. And I love the idea of ‘Gothmas’ tree!


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