The Little Things That Matter

I have skipped napping today, and I feel pretty good. I tried something new this year. I broke all my rules about November. I wondered for a moment if they were really making things worse, these rituals that are dedicated to surviving the mental pain. The answer was no, and yes. There was nothing that was really worse than trying to just wait for December for decorating my home for the Winter Holiday I celebrate, dubbed Gothmas. In fact, this month I spent some of my money on a new tree, a nice big black one. Big means three feet tall. I took the time with my carer and for the last ten days I have been either out of the house, decorating my tree, or organizing something I don’t want to deal with.

I also have gotten Sylvani’s castration completed. At last. I know why the Torrance County Animal Shelter acted hinky too, though I wasn’t supposed to hear the conversation about their unpaid bills. In fact the Animal Humane Society has changed a lot since Sprite’s botched surgery. The six years have changed their system greatly. Now it is computerized. You pull a ticket like a deli number and wait. I had people willing to help me, and although a bus driver killed my sunshade enroute so I was left carrying an upset tom cat and all the pieces he ripped off, the people around me helped. The only person not helpful was clearly ill equipped for a social situation so I just tried to avoid him. He wore a dirty litterbox scooper on his belt, which was gross and enough of a reason for me to steer clear. I think he was flirting, but I had other people run interference for me again, because it was clear I was not only uninterested in his advances but I was unable to escape since the sidewalk was not very big.

In fact, the weather held on, it was warm enough that day that my four rides on the bus (Two out to the shelter/vet and two home) weren’t so bad. I didn’t get cold as I expected, I had no issues regarding my violating the rules and bringing a cat on the bus who wasn’t a service animal, and even with the destruction of the sunshade the Bus Company surprised me by taking this seriously and giving me an insurance claim so I can get the medically necessary device replaced. I gave them all the info so they will pull the video that protects me. They also will inspect the buses I rode on since the lifts broke while I was in mid air. Everything went against Vani and myself making it to the shelter. I could have been turned away for his castration even based on the behavior of the country shelter vs the city shelter.

Though I was exhausted by the time I got to the shelter the first time, the day went well. Vani is recovering very well despite his having an accident. I ran over him this morning and dislocated his tail. His vet said he is fine and I missed his balls so we’re good. I checked him out and thought his tail was broken. I then made myself continue the plan. I went for a walk with money and I bought a Jewelry Armoire. That piece of wood and glass was something I saved up for last month, and they upped the price. So I couldn’t get the cat toy I wanted, though that may happen tomorrow after I pay the last of my bills. I have everything else I need, and I even got some very cool Halloween clearance. I got the black tree, and between all of the things I wanted and didn’t have to stress over and the things I needed, I got the last of the Armoire’s in the store, and they aren’t getting anymore. Ever.

M the Carer put it together before I finished calling to see if there is any progress on my wheelchair, we found out the repair guy never filed a report about my chair which means no progress there and I probably got him fired since that’s not what you do when it comes to wheelchairs and the supervisor I spoke with was very unhappy about it. She worked fast. So I just spent what turned out to be four hours unloading ten different jewelry boxes. There is still room in the armoire, which means not only do I have less stuff boxed away, but my jewelry is accessible and it is in a space where I can sit in my wheelchair and still access hair and make up as well as clothing. I am working on feeling beautiful everyday not just some of the time. Especially now.

I found a lot of my jewelry was damaged by the years of homelessness, the exhusband, and so on. So I have a pile of earrings to convert to clips, chains to repair, and so on and so forth. It is something I can do for the most part and it’s more to focus on. I am not overworking myself either, which is difficult sometimes.

Sylvani is asleep at my feet, Sprite is on my bed laying on the velvet dress I wore today, and I am feeling at peace knowing that my valuable jewelry (diamonds, pearls, rubies, and hand cut crystal) are safe. I can wear them if I want, and now there is no worrying about how to find what I want. I sorted everything by wearability. Admittedly a few things I will never wear, yet they have sentimental value. The first necklace that my niece made, just for me, I will not wear but that is merely because I want it to last and it is delicate. I like to see her potential when I look at it.

My house is nearly out of boxes to unpack. It only took a year but that’s alright. I had to adapt to my space. I still need more shelves but this will be a life long battle. Shelf space. The Gothmas tree topper is grinning at me and since my fingers grow weary I will just say, it has been nice to have the little things. I am still a bit out of it, yet this level of dissassociation is the end of October’s normal. I am two weeks in to November, and I am still here. The light switch isn’t so heavy as I recall.

I even rose to the mental challenge of getting the acting role I wanted (batman!) and since some of the feline medical supplies are MIA I had to be creative when it came time to get Sylvani’s body restricted. I am writing an instructable on how a hole punch, a folder, and some ribbon or any other sort of lace (shoe would work) can create a restrictive collar to protect your furry friends. This collar seems to be more comfortable for him than the plastic kind I have misplaced too.

 

I guess this could be a sort of Thankful post, because I am thankful for these little things. I am thankful. I dislike the term in this month so maybe grateful is better. I have M the Carer and M my best friend, I have Sprite and Sylvani, it seems I surrounded myself with alliteration. I know for a fact that I am strong enough to not just manage but thrive. I couldn’t decorate last year for Gothmas in the way I wanted. The tiny tree and hurtful memories made things harder. I am going to stay “here” for as long as I can. I, for the first time, think I will be conscious and aware for Thanksgiving day.

I guess I should include a note about my fall the other day, which could have been serious too. No worrying, I am fine. I just somehow managed to fall trying to get into bed and then fell out of bed once I made it into bed the day of Vani’s castration. I know it was fatigue, so I rested for two days. No bruises, I have a fat lip and a sore bicep and that’s it. No need for the ER. No extra dislocations except my jaw and I don’t look like a victim of domestic violence. I am not pale from extra pain, and so all is well. Even that made me realize, I eally am with it. I wish I had figured the things out I know years ago to heal but healing is a process. I have a long way to go still too.

I still just feel so GOOD. It’s weird and somewhat scary in a way because I don’t know what to do with all this time. I am going to a museum sometime next week or something. There’s an exhibit about the (redacted)  that has a unique aspect that is often (almost always) overlooked. After I go I will write about it for safety reasons.

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2 Comments

  1. Kat,

    This is the most upbeat I’ve seen you in a long time and I am happy for you! I give you no advice other than to enjoy it, you deserve it. I’ve been out of the loop for a little while with much life rearing it’s ugly head.

    As a side note, since you got the part in Batman I naturally read the GOTHMAS tree as GOTHAMS tree… which I imagined for a short time as a sort of Tim Burton meets Chicago meets leather pants sort of thing (I think I need help).

    Have a wonderful evening!

    -Denis

  2. Thanks Denis. I am doing really well despite all those things I can’t write about. There is always a something but I don’t feel the weight of it right now. I may email you later, or if you get online Im me!I like the idea of adding some batman to my tree for the same verbal entendre you stated. I am working on carving my own bat ornament out of clay, It is a work in progress but eventually I will post pictures of that and jack Skellington.


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