Reasonable Fear (Trigger Warning)

I have been reminded in the last year a great deal that fear is never reasonable, except… I was wrong to tell myself this. Fear is most often quite reasonable and is a rather rational emotion. It is our reaction to fear that tends to be irrational. It is the flight or fight response that I have personally been taught to ignore. I didn’t put this together fully yet but I feel it.

I am very much in a bubble at times and in looking at places of California, trying to fathom living where there are more people in one town than in the entirety of my state I noticed the palm trees. My brain did it’s meta data response and I realized, Palm Trees have coconuts. My imagination made a three dimensional build up of a variety of coconut related cataclysms. These included death by coconut during earth quakes to random car accidents, and then they lost some sense of reality. So I asked if they grew coconuts, a logical question given that I wasn’t really sure about the biology of palm trees. I am still trying to resist the urge to read everything I can find about palm trees to stay my fears.

M my dear friend who lives beneath these Palm Trees of Doom assured me that they are sterile palms ordered specifically because of this. My mind now sees the city of Los Angeles as a fan of disabled palm trees, after all palms are generally used for food and that is how the trees reproduce. So, they are unable to fulfil most of their tree related daily living tasks. I am not sure why I went there in my brain but M being M assures me it is cute and he can see why this is a reasonable fear.

How could I avoid the trees? I am also afraid of fires and earth quakes and mudslides, all of which do occur in California. He has been through earthquakes without noticing them, something that I just cannot concieve of. Yet, my fear, despite the amusing mental images of Hollywood disaster movies with coconuts as the disaster and the myriad of things that could go wrong because of the coconuts, including them actually being bowling balls courtesy of the Flintstones and my allergies to coconuts are reasonable fears. They are in my mind because I either am vulnerable to them or I don’t know how to stop such things and everyone is vulnerable to the flaming coconuts being rained down from the firey palm trees.

I am also afraid to go somewhere expensive. I am looking at the cost of living and with housing, it isn’t worse. The food I need is less expensive, the housing is far nicer. I am just afraid of change in general. I have never really been anywhere with so many people. That and Venice appears to be a place where all the side walks are actually flat not standing on end or so broken up that you choose streets or sidewalks that end randomly with no way down and that’s if you are bipedal. I am afraid of going somewhere else, because I know that I will no longer be one of the smartest (okay that one may not be true) I will no longer seem worldly or cultured to the surrounding people, and their minds are open. Not just comparitively but despite a lot of flaws in general US citizens, California was the start of the independent living movement. I am effected by the actions of the open minded and willful who live and have lived there.

I am afraid of not being hungry, though literally I am full there are more options there for me to consume. There are more ways for me to be. There are things to do. I could go to a museum without it being dramatic. I am afraid of not being isolated by who I am anymore. I have never lived in any other place except this poverty driven world where all the bad things that happen to me are called fantasy. I am afraid that in this place so far from the evil I know, the evils I do not know are as bad or worse.

I am afraid of being so near the people I care about. What if I don’t meet their expectations? Distance has buffered them some of my horribleness. I am a great person but I am also capable of being cranky and raw. I am also able to hide a lot of my pain via distance. At least I think I do. That may be untrue which scares me too. M comments sometimes that every picture I have my eyes are full of things, secrets, pain, and the unspeakable things I have seen are there. He sees other things. He sees the softness I try to hide at all costs, he sees my hopes and dreams there, and he sees fear. He sees mostly heartbreak and he says strength.

I am afraid all of that will go away. I am also afraid that once I see the ocean I will stop yearning to stretch my wings and fly. All of these fears are reasonable. It is very reasonable for me to look at this life changing decision I have made that I keep remaking, and feel fear. Yet, why should I live somewhere that I am unhappy with just because somewhere looks expensive on the surface? The math is showing me that California is a valuable investment. The housing is better, the cities are cleaner in a physical sense albiet more polluted and populated, and instead of being near people I am terrified will find me who want me dead in plural as well as my mother who thinks she loves me but acts out of fear and hate…. I will be near a woman who is like a sister to me, my god children, and M.

M who I love so much that sometimes I cry out of fear of that love. M who didn’t let me give up. M who loves me too. I will be somewhere that I don’t have to hide every piece of myself when I go outside. I am afraid most of all of trying to live without the masks that New Mexico requires. It is ahborrent here, and I am terrified of this hope I feel when I think of living in California.

Yes it rains more there than it has in the last four years, yes it is sunny. It is not as hot as here, which is better and I have a theory that the rain being more than a rarity will make the disabling effects go away. Not the water allergy but, that’s what long sleeves are for. Plus, if I go to California, I can stop crying when I think about how much I want to be there. Even if the palm trees had grown coconuts. It would be worth it just to take the risk of being happy more than sad.

The only unreasonable fear is the fear denied, the fear that you let paralyze you into a mental, physical, or emotional death. Fear is a catalyst for change most often, it is the fear we treat as if it is an outsider that hurts us. So I embrace my fear today, and start to lay the plans into the great and wild unknown. I have taken on many burdens, and perhaps it is time to take on one that actually has benefits that I can see and account instead of guessing at the possibility of mere survival. Besides, I think Sprite would love the beach. She likes to roll in the sand here, and an endless swath of sand? She’d be in heaven.

If You Love Me…

Love is something everyone struggles with. In Western society we are raised to believe there is an incompleteness without it. I am one of those people who figured out early on I don’t need anyone else. I also am person enough to admit that I do want someone else in my life at times. Yet I am considering the ramifications of disability and romance, at least for me.

1. Sex

Sex is challenging, and in order to not be trapped in bed as a fuck toy I am limited on how much sex I can have. Sure it sounds decadent, laying there waiting for someone to sexually use my body, bringing me pleasure again and again… The reality is I wouldn’t be happy being just sex, and so I am challenged by a sexless relationship overall. Once a month is pushing it for my body. There are tools to help combat this but this fact has lead me to the concept of an open relationship with a third party that brings both my main partner and myself pleasure. This is part of the bondage life style anyway, and I find extreme pleasure in ordering others to perform sex acts. I am a bit of a voyeur. Yet not everyone finds this concept as quaint as I do.

2. Food
With long term committments comes either living together for some people or eating together. The latter is extremely common and yet is equally challenging. To live with someone we need two kitchens because of course food is so damned difficult for me. I want to just go to my kitchen and grab a bite of something, in a shared kitchen I cannot even use the counterspace without difficulty. I don’t know that they build two kitchen one bedrooms. So, there is this spacial and social navigation. I have had many people feel unfulfilled in friendships, muchless romances, because I will not eat with them. I see this as a social grooming ritual, necessary for bonding but something that I for one am disabled from. My inability to consume food disables me.

3. Crowds, Concerts, Loud Places Etc
Huge hoardes of people mean I don’t go. I become mulish and will fight to stay in one place. A quiet refuge doesn’t exist in all areas and is something that you cannot always have. This keeps me in my home, my sanctuary. Yes I have my ways of dealing, but they aren’t always effective. Last minute dates, reservations, and concerts that get cancelled take a toll. Sometimes people don;’t want to invite you anymore because it is such a chore to include you with all your special needs. Which causes hurt feelings to say the least. Other times they think you are making up your disability for attention and then you must choose to try and be super cripple, force the issue, be cut off, or cut them off. With a romantic partner who wants to woo you? THis can be super challenging

4. Children
It turns out there are people I would have kids for, via adoption or surrogacy but children none the less. The right person will probably be okay without kids but there are people who do need children to be happy in life. Alas… they would be on their own with raising them to a degree, because I live in a glass bubble where no one can reach me, even these loved ones to a point are outside the bubble. There is always a something. Children who cry I hide from.

If you love me, you will take all this into account, and you will choose happiness for us both. Even if it means heart ache for the moment. If you love me, you will love you and we will find balance. Even if we have to build a palace with two kitchens.

Love is being happy, at peace, and is free of pain. The pain sometimes comes from choosing away from love or for self. Love is a twining path that leads through the mysteries of life. If you love me, you will love me.

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