“I wouldn’t have done that…”

My violent tendencies were tripped this week, like a laser alarm in my mind. The skulker had no idea they had unleashed a pack of semi rabid half starved trained for violence chihuahuas onto them. I say small dogs because I have yet to meet more than one nice one, and he was willing to attempt to disembowel you with out warning. I am currently keeping mum on the exact details, as I am going to wait until my rage has subsided first.

Lets just say that a business chose to basically threaten letting my Exhusband know where I am, because I didn’t like the way they were treating me and I called them on their stuff. In fact I linked them to my blog so that they can know what was said about them due to their accusations that I’ve been bad mouthing them. So, now that it is clear to they and I who they are, lets talk about why I do things others fear, and stabbing people!

I know my violent tendencies are there. I cannot recall a period in my life where when even mildly irritated firebombing someone did not seem like a great idea. This bothers me every day of my life because I am well aware that most people don’t think this way. If they do, no one admits it. I know when I am angry that I should not do several things. The first is eating, I’ve broken more dishes and hurt myself more times by eating angry than I care to think about. It starts with enjoying how nice it is to stab my steak and then the knife is in someone or the table or the plate is in pieces. I haven’t eaten when angry since I was 13 and my impulse control is greatly increased but not enough so that I can trust myself to not do really stupid things.

I have also mastered some levels of “social normative” activities to work around my constant anger. It used to be my default emotion and it turns out I like moderately content or happy best. I am usually happy not a bundle of putrifying rage that would like to gladly defame a business, but I haven’t once, and I won’t do so. That goes against my moral code. So, when I am angry with a business I usually ask them about the thing that has me angry, if I can I email them. I also hire M or another friend to help me remove the rage spasms from the text.

Most often this solves the issue. In fact it is very rare that the problem isn’t worked out, and I admit sometimes I am mad over small stuff or something I don’t understand and that is a huge part of why I ask questions. If I am expecting a package and it never shows and yo uare Dell, I skip the rage nutering of my emails and skip to calling you and making your tech support bleed out their eyes. That’s because Dell is Dell, everyone who has worked with them knows already that their customer service was trained in hell tactics. I swear my grandmother may be involved in their training, though I am not positive as to how.

The next step on my avoiding making these businesses hate me is explaining why I am angry. When this however earns me threats of a person who very much wants me dead being thrust into my life, when the business is also fully aware of this then it takes a lot for me to not make bad things come out of my fingers. I usually wait a while to stay calm, thinking over what to say. Again M usually gelds my letters of their rage. He helps me to concisely communicate more often than is fair. My caregivers also get to work on this task, but I like M’s method of “I wouldn’t send it that way, I’d do this but if you want to you really can… but XYZ may happen”. It mixes amusement into my thinking as I imagine apocalypses over silly things like ebay cats. I still am laughing at finding Sylvani on Ebay.

If that approach fails then I go ahead and verbally reproach people. I don’t let myself curse them out, instead I let my venom show. I have been told I put tone into toneless text with precision. If I could there are times I would instead insert an internet gnome to pop out of their computers, run around grabbing valuables and stab people to death. That’s the mood I am in.

It’s usually once I reach that “firebomb of rage” letter that I get told often, “I wouldn’t have done that.” I have noticed however that when i do it this way things work out, or I just sue people and then it works out when they are ground to dust under my heel. I haven’t felt this angry with a business in a long time, but threatening someoe’s safety even implicating in anyway that a homocidal maniac should be introduced back into their lives tends to make people with PTSD and rage issues a little crazy.

I don’t know why, but the other time people tell me they wouldn’t do what I do is when they admire me. Sometimes over the same thing. Sometimes I think I say things people wish they “had the balls to say”. This is where I get into the social stumbling grounds. It’s apparently not okay to tell someone that their behaviors make you angry. Instead a woman’s place, as good old mumsy would say, is to silently bear it or just quietly ask them to stop.

I don’t do quiet. I am belligerant. I am rageful. I will fuck them up.

I am glad I think the way I do but today it feels like a burden. No amount of adorable cats or doctor’s with cranial implosions from just getting to meet me can change that. ANother post is forth coming but… I wouldn’t have done a lot of things, yet I rarely mention it to people. I am just angry.

I don’t know when my anger will subside, I do know that most of it is this business causing me undo pain, making me feel like they are robbing me, threatening my safety, and also dealing with Rose dying. I don’t see why it’s taking longer to “get over it” with her than it did Nymph. Then again, maybe it is supposed to?

Advertisements

Leave a comment

No comments yet.

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  • Polls

  • Ye Olde Archives of Fury

  • Top Rated

  • Top Clicks

    • None