Selfishness (Trigger Warning)

I can be such a fool at times. My mother is on my facebook, and she took note of my desire to adopt the cat in a shelter near her. Kashi. Kashi is Sprite’s Twin and from what the shelter staff tell me is in fact as intelligent even if she has been snubbing visitors. She is on reserve for me now because my mother’s idea was that she would come today, my actual birthday, and then I could give her the money for the shelter fee. Obviously, with her track record I would NOT ask her to do this. I did ask if she could pick the cat up and hold her at her house for a week since I am due to be out there soon anyway. No no, surely not.

So I spent my day trying to not believe her. 11 am, I asked her if she was indeed going to come, because of course she has pnumonia again. She said yes. I asked twice if she was sure she should because I could ask the shelter about holding Kashi for a few days due to her illness and my having no car. It’s a very long drive. So, I waited. I sent a reminder to let me know when she was coming at 3pm. Then the shelter calls me at 4 pm to remind me they needed her there at 430pm. So I start calling.

I call. I call. I call. I leave voicemails. I call. No answer. I wish I had any surprise left, but of course I get the texts from my sister, at least I think it’s her. Since she always changes her number and no one in my family identifies themselves on texts with new numbers… it’s all guesswork.

The general gist is, I am selfish for even ASKING if she was still coming, for reminding her and for expecting her to keep her word. Supposedly they will do it tomorrow. Supposedly. I know better. This was of course a timely reminder. Why should I, exactly, do anything for them? Why should I go visit at the expense of my energy,c omfort, and being at their whims? I am far from comfortable with that. Why should I go and make HER birthday happy?

Yes she is sick but if you are on either child or doctor, both were explicitely stated because I am so selfish of course it must be hammered into me that mother must stay in bed, like always when it’s important to someone else, bed rest… why say you are going to do something? Why not call and cancel? Why not?

Because I am selfish.

I am angry. Selfish? Yes, it’s selfish of me to make sure I could take care of this cat, to make arrangements to try and get the cat in such a way that doesn’t impose on other people as much as possible. It’s selfish of me to expect basic human decency and respect. It’s SELFISH of me to not want to talk to these people for this reason.

I haven’t let them in again since the last fuck up they have made, I have closed down tighter and tighter and things got better. It turns out they really aren’t trying more my BIOLOGICAL FAMILY nope. It’s just better without them.

I wonder too if this isn’t really punishment because Grandma got mad this morning. Her birthday wishes for me were acceptable, generic, and fine. HEr wish that since she is moving to independent living we can see each other more often (read not at all since I got married. ) Not. She’s cruel. So I told her no because she is cruel so why do I want to bother. I should’ve played along until I had the cat.

This is the thought process of my family. If I had lied to Grandma Bitchypants wouldn’t I have actually been selfish? Toying with her emotions?

I could be jumping to conclusions but to quote my mother whenever she would tell me how horrible I was and how I surely needed medications, “Past history belies changes in the present. No one ever changes for the better, they are just pretending.” Projecting much, yes she was.

So, yeah. I am selfish.

I would rather be selfish and happy than selfless and spend every single day waiting like this to be betrayed. My mother has never once been on time for anything, and if I had actually expected her to not fuck around on me then the cat would be lost. Plans A-C have been used. I don’t have a plan D yet, but I will get there. I can’t afford gas money and the fees for adoption.

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5 Comments

  1. Wanting repect is not being selfish,neither is expecting someone to keep their word.You have to do whatever is best for you.You are the one lliving your life and dealing with the people in it.Sometimes pushing away from the negativeness in our lives is a good thing..even if it is family.Best Wishes.

  2. Thank you. I do know this, I just trip up sometimes. I forget when things get nicer that the cause really is the people who are supposed to be family. Needless to say, the awareness that the cat I want to adopt could be put to death because of this will not be forgotten. Forgiveness may come when I am in my seventies but is dubious. THis is a life after all.

    I just needed a vent, and some good music (Beethoven). I will be glad again and again to not understand or comprehend their behaviors. That means of course I am less likely to pull such shameful actions.

    I must say they did teach me duplicity. If I work really hard and practice for a while I can actually pull of a lie. However, I usually give myself away because lying causes my brain to implode, but I do know how. Useful skill sometimes.

  3. Ugh, I’m so sorry. You are so right – it isn’t selfish to expect to be treated decently. It amazes me that they would be able to spend the time berating you for wanting to know what’s going on when they could have just let you know in the first place. But, at the same time, it doesn’t surprise me, because my family is the same way.

  4. Once again you take the feelings right out of my own Pandora’s box and yes family can be the most evil thing one carries around one’s neck… This so resonates with me!

    I am so sorry, Kat, this is just so awful to have to happen on your birthday! But blood ties isn’t family, family are those who really do care about you and will stand by you and appreciate when you stand by them! ((((((hug)))))))

  5. Kat, you aren’t selfish. Nope that’s not possible. Expecting things from people doesn’t make you self-absorbed; sometimes it shows the cohesive bond that keeps us human. And other times (like right now) it is probably making you feel rotten. I hope that feeling goes away soon. For all it’s worth, know that someone in India loves and cares about you!

    Happy Belated Birthday!

    I hope Sprite is doing better now.


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