Days

This should be short because I am out of spoons and I am into tomorrow’s spoon count. I try to avoid getting to this point ever but I don’t mourn well. Does anyone? Nymph is going to die any time now. She has days to live, the vet was upfront and supportive and… I am not sure how to handle this really. It feels like one too many things. We’ve barricaded the underside of the bed to prevent her from going under there, and though she won’t like this, she has other places she tucks herself away. Furthermore if the palliative care we chose doesn’t work anymore I have to make the choice about euthanasia. However we’re treating her pain right now, so hopefully that’s enough.

She has a fever again, and oh the hope I had just started to have. I just let myself hope. I am not very good with hope, in general my mind tells me this is the worst idea in the world. Hope. The concept always ends up leaving me with an aching heart, with wounds that seem to echo into my soul. It gets worse financially, and I already am owing people for their kindness, including the vets and the strangers.

I also have to say I have never seen a group of veterinarians so hopeful for an animal’s survival. Ny is a unique cat and everyone she has ever met adores her. They will mourn too, and that surprises me. Right now one of the nurses is calling local research facilities for feline illnesses to see if when Nymph passes they want to use her remains for research. Once she has passed I have to replace everything the cats use, and wash the house in bleach. Sprite most likely does carry the virus but doesn’t have any symptoms and FIP tends to strike younger cats or the extremely elderly, so if she was going to get it she would by now. That helps a bit too but Sprite is sitting beside me, and I can see the sorrow in her posture. She doesn’t want her friend to die either.

So, more days of silence. I feel as if something inside of me has cracked, my heart broke long ago, it feels different than a heart breaking. I just feel cracked.

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4 Comments

  1. I am so sorry Kat. I really wish I could do something. I am thinking of you and Nymph, constantly.

  2. I am so so sorry… You and Nymph and Sprite are in my heart’s whispers…

  3. This news saddens me so much, Kat. I love my cats more than I like people, and losing one would break my hart too. At least Nymph has good loving friends to be with her.

  4. I wish I could find something more than just the words “I am so sorry” yet again, from yet another sympathizer … I guess what I really want is a way to find words that will magically fix the problem, or at least make it easier to deal with, so everything else seems so woefully small and inadequate in comparison. But I guess those kinds of words don’t exist. So I need to just say … I am so sorry.


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