My Dreams and Lucid Dreaming

EDIT: I took the trigger warning off. Please notify me if you think this was wrong. I will put it back on otherwise.

When I lay me down to sleep, there be demons in my dreams, sword in hand I slay them well, their blood I spill yet no victory is at hand…

That’s my version of the poem that so many people say for good dreams. That’s my every night. I am not certain why but I dream about demons and these aren’t nightmares. My nightmares tend to be the dreams where hoardes of demons aren’t trying to disembowl me. My nightmares tend to be more terrifying than that but sometimes it is just simple acts of grocery shopping that have me in a panic and wake me. Never once have my dreams about demons. I find them comforting.

The demons, I know them well. Some are fallen arch angels in the process of becoming demons. I used to fight alone. That was when the dreams were more frightening. Until I was around twenty it was me against endless demons, me fighting my way out of hell into a world that was just like hell. No one understood me there or here. In my dreams I have gone to heaven, and found it is the same as hell with pretty paint. This is very much Kat’s Inferno, and Dante by the way ended up in hell according to these dreams chained in the pits where half breed train for the amusement of the Devils.

My dreams of demons paralell my life. I almost wrote lives and that may be an accurate statement. In this world, which I have explored via writing with a friend of mine, humans who have died and gone to heaven or hell can reproduce. They can have children. THeir lives continue but there they die and are reborn on Earth, the human realm, Midgard, you know the names. The children born in hell are mortal, and if they die stay in heaven or hell. They age and grow and once dead resume living where they left off. This can be detrimental to life or advantageous.

In my dreams sometimes I am in this body, sometimes I am a strong warrior woman who has done more than kicking ass. In the stories my friend and I write together things changed significantly before I met Him. Her half breed demon and my human that isn’t really the same as other humans and may be the key to stopping the destruction of everything but he might also be the key who knows yet… well they found love too. It was a straight forward sort of romance, his psychotic girlfriend determined they had feelings and both laughed it off. It was allegory in a way for how I feel about M, though he and I are not romancing one another because reality doesn’t work that way.

The cast of characters has entered my dreams. Bren, in hell known as Kraven is a Royal Breed with a more pure demonic lineage than some others. He is half human and half demon, his demonic powers stem from Wrath. Yet this character is one of the most gentle that I have had the pleasure of writing around. I don’t write him, my partner in literary crime does. Then there are his children of sorts, the twins and Milli also demonic human hybrids. Also learning how to control their powers so they can just live normal lives. I think this is why I truly enjoyed Being Human so much, that show paralells the exploration that this friend and I undertook. We’ve been writing at this for two years now. We had a year long break while I tried to not get murdered and she dealt with other issues but the story continued and our ideas matched almost perfectly. That happens a lot. One of us has an idea and tells the other and then the other person finishes the sentences. Sometimes I think we’re related. Actually I am 90% positive we are probably cousins. We look a great deal alike, think alike, and at the very least we have matching creative minds. Soul Mates of the Pen? Who knows.

The cast of characters includes Mo, a demonic kitten who also tends bar. She tends to be comic relief but is also very serious. If you don’t tip her expect to die. The bar itself was for a time a character but the cast has moved on. There’s Marge who is parts of everything that makes me me but she is also extremely muscular and can do the things I can’t. She is far from perfect, I am way smarter than she is. There was an exchange in building her of essences. Able bodied but a loss of certain skills that I think make the world easier. Then again she can walk around unless it’s the dreamself that she is built on. Then there is the character who has come to play recently.

He came directly out of these dreams and I think is related to my father’s existance. New memories came out just after Michael the arch angel made his debut. He is cruel, he is hateful, and he is not really an angel but the demonic shift has yet to show. He is cruel, he is a rapist and a big fan of Eugenics. I wouldn’t be surprised if once in Hell he goes to hang out with Hitler for a time, just to shoot the breeze and talk about the lives they’ve ruined. It turns out he’s behind the Death of God. Yeah, sorry about that, but in this world the Christian God has been dead for a long time and the four Arch Angels have been running the show, and doing it badly. There are people cast out of heaven who are not guilty of anything and retain their goodness, the evil appearance we expect from demons also rarely shows in this world. Ugly doesn’t mean bad. Not everyone is beautiful but the heroes are the ones with scars and foibles, the more evil someone is the more beautiful they seem to be. I think this is my mind rebelling against the perfect people.

So Michael has messed up a bit, he decided to attack his child and found that if you don’t raise them and then attack them you don’t know their power. More allegory. In my dream they fought long and hard before he was dewinged but I couldn’t kill him so he was marked and sent away. In my dream it happened just that way. It was strange to me how it matched up and it wasn’t merely my doing in the story but was another person’s idea to banish him in the same way. I had left it open, as the story doesn’t always match my dreams nor should it. Then it would be boring and what would be the point in the partnership?

This world of mine, it has been there for as long as I can recall. This is the first time since I was 8 and in an institution that I mentioned at all except to M that I dream about demons. My batman dreams are gone. Those and Batman were all I dreamed about for years. I can be thinking constantly in my sleep but if I fight a few demons I am rested. I miss the batman dreams but I think I out grew being a damsel in distress, as in those dreams someone else did my rescuing. No one has rescued me in a very long time. At the most they have helped me save myself. (That’s M again.)

There is another character that is new to the party, he is also an Angel, or was. He was cast out without guilt. He is the most repressed character I have written and does his best to do good. This ends up with him being up tight but yet he is learning to fight and in my dreams which are far ahead of the stories he becomes Michael. This was already discussed, we agreed that Michael isn’t the actual name of the individual but the person. Based on it’s definitions. Michael in this world is now second only to god after the fall of Lucifer, the primary devil and Gemini sun to god. Michael by the way means he who is like god. Therefore, the title explains the individual. Drayfus was tortured by his own comrades and now is staying with a brood of demons. There is also a gypsy wolf witch that employs medicine and has visions but she is very much a background character, often she comes along to save their butts if they ignored her warnings.

The other thing is this world is full of M names. Mariah, Michael, Milli, Marge, Moira who changed her name to Iliandra (another demon) and so on and so on. Most of the characters are M names. That’s mostly my fault too. It’s just what is in my head.

So I dream about demons, that’s the point of this. I have decided to declare it to the world as a challenge to myself. To often I shame myself for it despite the fact that at times this is my happy place. My sword of choice is actually a double sword, slight curve that feels good in my hand. I know it’s weight, I know it’s textures. So why is it that dreaming of demons when I am fighting them is something that is bad according to doctors? I don’t really understand, but I also don’t want these dreams to stop. I know it was built out of the things I was taught and the questions I had. I was born in hell in these dreams as is Marge. Marge is not feminine in the traditional way because I don’t understand that femininity. Now female villains always are written as if they were born for the male gaze. They can still be tough and fight but in my dreams the evil females are more perfect towards that thin narrow spot that is deemed “perfect”. I think I dream them in photoshop sometimes… The heroes are imperfect, they can fart even. Male or female they aren’t handsome, they aren’t beautiful. Yet they are.

I know I have to sleep now, but now you know what dreams await me, unless it is one of those dreams that scare me, without the hoardes of demons. I don’t really understand why demons don’t scare me because shouldn’t they? Who knows. So what do you readers dream about that doesn’t match what is expected?

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