The Quickening and Bodily Betrayal (Trigger Warning)

I am writing this post to discuss sensory overload and internal causes, because I don’t think I have read about how sometimes everything can be normal but the changes in your body can create that sense of overload where you can’t think through it all. I am approaching that point. For the last week I haven’t dreamed, I have “slept” in a fashion but it was with an utter awareness that matches being awake and my thoughts were quick and would not cease. Music did not help. Silence did not help. Feline snugglings did not help. I knew that something was coming. It was one of three things. My period, which despite the diagnosis of menopause does actually come every few year to harass me. I ate bad food and was having a minor allergic reaction. This is more common but usually lasts a shorter time. The Third? Pain. My pain isn’t as under control as I would like but it gets way worse before I enter this state.

Today the first signs of a week of hell began. Little pains that shoot down my legs. That smell that no one else smells. I think it’s the hormonal changes but I smell different and I don’t like it. Everything is louder, smellier, and in general quite awful. The cats are also reacting to the quickening inside my body. Sprite knows this is a horrible time and is very angry at me, as she has been the last few times. Yet when I am stuck in bed later this week she will be with me, warming me and soothing me.

Every time I have had my period it creates challenges.A component of this is multiple triggers with my PTSD. For one I have to deal with my body and fluids, which is unpleasant with in the sensory perspective and can trigger random flashes of bad things. For two I almost always have this issue during July, which is one of the two months of the year when I have a lot of trouble with PTSD due to the fireworks and the whole attempted murder and saying No to my father thing. There are a few others but those are the big two. The third trigger is the pain.

I know cramps hurt everyone. This is indicated by the number of drugs sold to make them better. For me there is no treatment. Poly Cystic Ovarian Disease and Endometriosis meant that this was how my period was before my spinal injury, though the muscles that flex during each cramp trying to push the wasted flesh out of my body also overlap the injury. I used to save my sickdays every year just incase this occurred. My period disabled me long before anything else.

There are other stresses this week, and having known that this challenge was coming I admit that I second guessed myself with every emotional response in the previous month. I wish that they had been wrong because that would be convinient. Alas, no such luck. So there are other things that I am not going to talk about going on.

This next week is doubly challenging because there are things I have to do myself. I have to be hands on for a good portion of the week. Then, there is the potential of interviewing the new Weekend Caregiver. I just have to trust that I can manage it all, because so far this first day has been less dramatic than before. I am mostly enjoying the stormy weather and the soulful music that is springing forth to hide those first firecracker explosions.

I have nightmares through out the rest of the year or three years after each time I have had my period, relating to this occurance. I do not think it is internalized self hatred about my menses, because there aren’t demons in my crotch in these dreams. Instead I dream that the pain doesn’t end and every sound is getting louder and louder until I panic and somewhere when I must not scream, I cannot stop it. I want to but the control is lost.

I don’t know if this is a universal issue with every Autistic female but I know that my senses feel all things in an overloaded and “wrong” way. This means the food I eat has to be adapted. None of my usual food will actually work as with every chemical reaction in my body there are concequences. I do have the benefit of knowing however that my pain meds will work just fine.

I may not write again until this issue is passed, just because for me it is a huge issue and I spend most of this time glaring at my ceiling and trying to find any gods I can recollect that are ANTIFertility gods. I am happy with the over all sterility of my body, I know that the less periods you have the greater your risk of uterine and ovarian cancer but as always my body doesn’t follow the rules. I was biopsied a year ago today and the results were startling. My uterus is healthy, no signs of abnormalities, my ovaries are still borked but no signs of cancer there. This was so shocking to the specialist that she told me she flat out expected at least some sort of atrophy. Nope. Despite everything being backwards, at least my insides are not rotten (except where they are but we don’t count that for this conversation *pokes at her intestines and glowers* Durned thing).

I know that I was always told after it was made clear that my reproductive organs are shoddily made and resemble a haunted house what with the cobwebs and dust, that my period should be a celebration as proof I am a woman. I find this ludicris. This was a doctor, my mother, and several other women. This implies that the only thing I am good for is making babies. Sorry but no. Not only would they be broken but I wouldn’t live to teach them how to live with their genetically screwed bodies. Doesn’t sound peachy or keen to me!

I am going to sneak out to one of the stores and spend some money on edibles and absorbables. See you when my body is done trying to function normally. May yours function as is best for you, screw normal

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7 Comments

  1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mot_(Semitic_god)

    My I recommend Mot, the god of Sterility and Master of all Barren Places.

    Kat, I’m sorry this sucks for you. I’ve really no touch stone for this other than my wife’s experiences. So, I’ll just nod my head in agreement…yup. That sucks.

  2. I hope you get better soon. My thoughts are with you.

  3. You are not alone. Though my periods are easy, the only reason I like them is because it tells me that I’m not pregnant.

    I’m sending you comforting and non-painful embraces!

  4. That helps too. That is the best joy of being only sexually active with toys and not the boys or girls. No risk of pregnancy or STDs. Having had two pregnancy scares, because all the symptoms were there and likely two miscarriages (No sorrow needed, I was relieved) this is my silver lining. Though as long as my actual endometrium isn’t literally silver we’re good right?

  5. I think I will have to look into Mot a bit more. I love that there is actually a god for Sterility. I have to wonder what caused his creation. Thank you for sharing your knowledge!

  6. I am getting there. I feel stronger today. I also appreciate knowing that others are thinking of me, it helps me to not sulk.

  7. Heh, yeah, if your endometrium starts to come out silver, I think you might need to get it checked out. 😉


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