I think I am back. I have pain medication again but I can still feel the after image of pain I had never wanted to feel again. The good news is I am not addicted to morphine. The bad news is I am dependent on it for not curling up in bed and screaming for hours on end. I think once I am a bit less shaky, I am going to sue the insurer. The simple reason being that they hurt me. They hurt a bunch of other people. It’s a bit of a hulk smash type anger but I want to take out their knees and watch them suffer.
The after image of pain is odd, it’s a bit like supposed phantom pain (I hate this term because it belittles pain). I know that the pain meds are working but my leg muscles are too tight, my back is wobbling more, and there is a deep pain in my chest that I think is emotional. I am not positive. Some of the pain is the consequence of having to stay still. I couldn’t move enough or I’d hurt too much. I feel like my body is a photo negative, and all the bright spots or dark spots, are pain. If you develope a photo sometimes the inversion is still visible.
I am having some good stuff come up. I joined the League of Lanterns, and am working out a great deal of costuming ideas and now have folks to ask about them. I was asked to help build a Comicon in my home town. This would be intended to rival San Fransisco’s Comicon but with a Southwestern flavor. I also got to read a lot of comic books during my month (Not sure how long it really was) with no meds. I finished Darkest Night, and I am buying comics starting next month. Birds of Prey is BACK. I still have to digitize them to read but I am going to not borrow, but buy so that DC gets the idea I want this. Don’t take it away again or I will throw emails at you.
I am trying to focus on the good but I do have a post to write about some dark moments. Dark revelations. Dark suicidal thoughts. The black hole was very strong, and I have to say I don’t like some of what it took to survive. I don’t like feeling a dirtiness in my mind over this.
I have a couch again. I was looking at Craigslist to try and see if there was a free mattress for a neighbor and there was a man selling a bunch of stuff for five dollars. The couch I got myself is great. I got my neighbor a recliner and a couch. Why? I didn’t really have extra cash but this was from my Free Comic Book Day budget, so it did not eat into anything else. Now he has somewhere to sleep and I get the nice feeling of knowing I helped someone else to get out of pain.
The fear of pain as I slowly return to myself is a lot stronger. a part of me will do anything to avoid it. I considered going down the street and seeing if I could find a drug dealer. I decided they’d probably have allergens around though. (again, superbly bad logic). That fear of pain is why I got my neighbor a place to sleep. I was there… where he is. I was there… burning up. My soul eaten by pain. My life taken by it. Every time I slept on the floor until my bed was here, or my couch even my first few months here and with the waterbed fiascos… it was as bad as the pain I had without my meds.
I am left with a single revelation that I can share without a trigger warning. I haven’t wanted to die for any reasons lately other than pain. Pain of betrayal. Pain of … painy painy things… Pain. I just wanted to escape. I just wanted to not hurt ever again.
I choose in this very moment to hurt. Every act of living is pain. The Buddha said something similar once. To exist is to hurt. I choose to exist because if I had given up, my neighbor would’ve been in pain for a lot longer. I already know that he is out of pain. He told me so.
Oh and on the note of the scooter, it is definitely going to be sold. The final straw in this decision was made just yesterday as my couch was pushed around, the scooter didn’t go more than a few inches with me sitting in it. I lean to the side and curl slightly bracing myself to not fall over.
So I got up and in the methods of moving it we found that my caregiver can make it run fine. I repaired it, it’s just not ever what was meant to be mine. I need to sell it anyway, the money has to go to a new computer. This one is dying rapidly. It IS a hardware issue. This sads me of course, but what can be done? I have had this computer for six years now. It’s been a long while for a unit such as this, and alas, computers are not meant to last forever. I already know what I want from Newegg.com. I could do this for around 800 plus 200 for a monitor and have a computer that meets my needs, and is upgradable. I also get coupons from them.