This is more an update and this is me totally whining about things beyond my control at once. This blog will be quiet for at least three weeks, any comments in my spam filter will be unfiltered then. I have a pressure sore from my scooter, which means my bright idea isn’t going to work so I should fix it to sell. I did get it rolling but sitting here about kills me. I could handle that normally but there are two huge stresses. Now that I told my family, well those that I felt needed to know I can list them.

1. Medicaid IE AMERIGROUP has decided I don’t need my pain meds, and they are playing games. They did this a year ago but this time they told me to just pay for them. I haven’t solved this yet but most likely I will end up in the hospital, and then I will wind up having to SUE them. That’s right. Law suit. My long term plan is a petition and letter writing campaign to force the state to remove their contracts with Amerigroup and Evercare, because they aren’t doctors. They are a bunch of (censored) people in an office (censored) around with my life. Going cold turkey off of morphine can be DEADLY and I have no choice. Which sucks.

2. No meds. I am not nice with no meds. I am actually beyond mean from pain already and that scares me. I am already dealing with so much crap but I feel like I am about to snap. Not in the fun way that you recover from but a permanent loss of something. I am struggling but I can’t even hold Sprite right now. I can’t think. I can’t sleep.

3. Murder. Yeah. I am dealing with the cold case detectives because (not a real surprise) I witnessed a murder as a toddler and I never forgot and can finally put enough words to the memory to try and help someone know why their father or brother or whomever the hell he was died.Like I said it’s Stress o poaluza.

There’s more but these are the important ones. I won’t reply to emails for a while. I can’t. I won’t answer comments. I already know that the comments will make me feel loved and safe. Most of the time that is the case, just knowing I am not alone. I am not giving up, despite the fact that being constantly suicidal with a chance to die seems “perfect” in some ways. I am not going to let myself die, because I have to allow the family of the murdered man some peace. That’s all that I can focus on right now as a goal. Solve it. Let it go.

When I return I will have a plan of action for how to make my state’s medicaid program pay. My name is Fury for a reason. Greek Furies style revenge feels good, so I am going to lay out my plan and even if it takes me years I am taking them down. They play games with my life and I will make people lose not just their jobs but businesses. After all, they want to murder me. If I do die, I want this post used as evidence for my feeling that this is murder. My doctors prescribed a medication that is COVERED BY THE INSURANCE but the INSURANCE refuses to cover it and refuses to know which hand is up it’s (censored) then it’s murder. They want me to pay out of pocket but I can barely afford food and rent much less anything FUN.

So yes, I am now out for blood. Like I said there’s some whining involved. I am looking into a black hole of pain, and last time I went there I lost parts of my identity to the pain. It’s like a monster I cannot beat. It is a soul sucking darkness. It is there waiting to consume me and there is no way I can stop that. I just hope that I can ride it out until I get my meds again.


  1. I’m sorry that things suck so badly for you right now. Good luck dealing with the police, the pain, etc. And with your battle with the insurance company.

  2. Listening to your problems with your meds really pisses me off. Even when you Americans are lucky enough to have medical coverage, the insurers still play ignorant games with your lives. My brother Rick (9 years older, and immigrated to the US in the 1980’s) got into an accident on his motorbike and his insurance wouldn’t cove all of the operations he needed, and put him over $80,000 in debt and unable to do his job (he was a line man for a California power company). Last year, in pain and with no medical coverage, he ended his life. He could have come back to Canada, and got the operations he needed, but he couldn’t take our weather.
    Best of luck with the the cops, and I really hope you don’t have to be in pain very long.

  3. My kids were on Amerigroup–I send my sympathies! It is cruelty to take away pain medicines from those with intractable pain. Maybe consider asking them how they can live with themselves or sleep at night knowing that you are unnecessarily suffering, experiencing x symptoms from pain (for me, that’s writhing around, attempting to sleep standing up). I wonder if they’re denying others pain meds as well.

    It takes 9-14 hours to charge a power wheelchair, so you may want that scooter or a manual chair for backup a few mornings per week or for possible emergencies overnight despite the pressure sore (hopefully your new cushions will remedy that fast).

    I think you’ll be giving yourself some closure and not just the family of the murdered person. It takes a lot of strength to come forward years after the fact, especially since you were a toddler and they understand/absorb differently from an adult.

  4. Also, if you get severe physical withdrawal, consider going to the ER. There are medicines that can help ease the dangerous symptoms that they can give you–or you can ask for morphine there, showing a copy of your script and Amerigroup’s denial, though they’re less likely to give pain medicine in an ER (they consider everyone to be drug seekers) than give help for withdrawal. Amerigroup administrators too dense to realize that pain meds are a lot cheaper than ER visits?

  5. Give ’em hell, Kat! You know I’m on your side. You shouldn’t have to go through this bull****!

  6. ((((((((((((((Kat))))))))))))))))))
    That just makes me so angry, what are they some effing sadists? It’s so incomprehensible.

  7. Just a thought, hope you’re able to read this.
    Have you thought of creating another ChipIn? The meds can’t be that expensive can they? And although you should of course sue their asses off, you need the meds right now and a ChipIn or donations button would raise a little cash, that’s hopefully enough to put you back on the meds.

    *thinking of you*

  8. I know just what you mean about pain taking away parts of you. This totally sucks. Wish I could do more.

  9. Thank you so much for writing Amanda. That helps. I did read the comments I just couldn’t make words happen due to the pain.

  10. I do have a donation button actually but I did consider this. My worry however was the loss of my disability benefits (it doesn’t take much to lose them) and also the effect on the others int he same boat. I didn’t have proof of that until the last few days but I knew that there had to be someone else being effed over too. So we all got our meds.

  11. Thank you so much. I am still considering suing them. The only reason I am not keeping the scooter (though it takes the same amount of time to charge) is simply that mine dies when I sit on it. I curl onto my side partially and this puts all of my weight on a limited area and that makes it feel like I am too heavy. Even though the actual weight capacity is listed as way over what I weigh.

    I am hoping that closure is the end result of the cold case issue, if not for them then at least it has given me some. I also have started looking into lawyers not just for the issue with Amerigroup but I have some legal questions that I have to ask about the cold case issue. Such as, ways I can help more. I truly appreciate your support.

  12. I am so sorry for your loss. I must admit that my disability wouldn’t be disabling if I had proper care immediately after my accident. This is one of the more common reasons that the people I know are disabled. Most of the disabilities are preventable.

    I also am truly sorry for your loss, though again I can see his perspective too. There were several times that I considered doing something just to end the endless pain. Even now with meds I am in pain but it isn’t so bad that I can’t exist. So far though things are starting to get a bit better.

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