Zillas

I am guilty of Fatshaming. This makes me a hippocrite. I am after all fat. I have been skinny but, now I am fat. My natural form is fat. Sure, it’s sexy fat in all the right places but because I am nearly 300lbs and sometimes go over that marker I am considered Morbily Obese. Yet I chose the term Fatzilla to indicate the monstrosity I was living with. I identified her by only one aspect, I dehumanized her with that single word. I am guilty. It should not matter what size or shape she is, but instead the actions she undertook should be the focus of what I have said.

I am guilty of female shaming. Again this hypocritical action is something I regret. I am a woman after all. I was born a woman, I gender identify as a woman. I have a vagina. I have breasts. I hate being called a bitch. Calling someone Bitchzilla is again dehumanizing and shames her based on the stereotype of the cruel and angry female. It does not matter what I want to say to justify this action, there are things I thought of. For both the fat shaming and the gender shaming, I was wrong.

I do not have to like people. They do not have to like me. I require myself to show respect. It is taken for granted that you will choose the people in your life, yet this is wholly untrue. You do not select every coworker, your siblings, your parents, grandparents, or even classmates. If people did I would never have been bullied. Then again, if we could actually choose every interaction the world would have stagnated a long time ago. Since we cannot choose everyone around us it can be difficult to not settle for the status quo behaviors. This means calling people names, even in the anonymity of the internet knowing that they won’t identify themselves when they read it. Knowing if they do, there is nothing they can do about it.

I usually use letters or fake names for people but for the two women I lived with, I chose cruelty. A part of me is not sorry, a part of me wants to argue it is fair because they are abusers. That part of me is wrong. That part of me is being childish. I do not expect to ever discuss those two again but if I do Fatzilla is now going to be known as my exroommate. Bitchzilla will be known as… my exroommate. I will work on a better identifier if needed but, I must work to cut out hate from my own life. It is my goal to love everyone and everything at least spiritually. Hate speak and hate names do not fit that outlook and giving in to such things is giving in to the toxins around me. It stops my personal healing.

If either of you two are reading this and know who you are, I apologize for my inappropriate names.

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