News: Not Bad!

I decided it is time to update on the status of my recovery. Physically I am not doing well. The Vertigo is really a challenge. I am fighting on so many fronts at all times that I feel worn out. I still cannot sleep. I am still me. I haven’t managed to find a therapist, nor have I been able to convince the insurance that I need a therapist. Sometimes I think that the government wants all disabled people (hidden, visible, mental health related, etc, I do mean ALL) to just die. They hamstring our ability to get care so often, costing them more money, that it seems reasonable to think that they would be happy if we died. All of us. At once.

I am still depressed. I am still fighting for emotional stability but my news is this. It has been one week since I wanted to kill myself last. I am still struggling with the desire to self harm, but, the ideas aren’t to kill myself now. Some of it is the old voices of my parent’s messages. My lack of value for anyone but myself takes a toll. If I hurt myself, I can punish myself and make the bad go away right? Still. I want to live and I am able to not self harm.

With all that has occured in life and the general lack of support I am doing amazingly well. For my own standards I am reaching good enough. I am on the rise. I have goals again. I can feel the words moving under my flesh again wanting out. I am still afraid, going out still terrifies me but more of this is now related to my physical body than “He could get me”. I even considered dating. I decided I am not ready to date but, I may sometime give it a whirl. I want a working wheelchair first and I have to find good spots in my riding distance because I am not going in a car for a date.

I do find it odd I have more dating options as an openly disabled person than when I was passing for abled. So over all things are not good but not bad. Just shy of good enough.

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5 Comments

  1. Happy Valentine’s Day, textualfury, and I hope the day turns out well for you. Cheers and respect to you from me.

  2. First off, if I lived in the US, I would adopt William…unfortunately I don’t =/
    I’ve been alone for every valentines day of my life though I did get a card every year, I stopped getting them a year or 2 ago…(I think its mostly because my Dad figured out that I’d know for a long time by them that he was sending them >.>) but valentines day….to me its just glitter and advertisement, no real meaning to it, in school I’d just get ignored and other than the card…really its just another day, its not special…if anything its less special.

    Every day of our lives in a miracle and we should be thankful for what we have around us but the fact that it takes some people a certain day in the year to realise it only to forget it until next year? That’s what makes the day less special.

    I’m not saying that I am truly thankful every day of my life but I AM saying that movie-type valentines days are wrong, I love….and hate everyday of my life, its what makes me human.

    Valentines day and its social norm of dating and lurve won’t make me realise this, people need to step back and ask themselves what valentines day is REALLY about.

  3. Aww, I appreciate that you would. That helps actually. I am having a really hard time finding people who are willing to take him in, but may have found him his perfect home.

    I do not disagree with your statements that every day is a miracle, but, I do think that the few times a person can exist in that moment with excitement it is special. My movie moment valentines day was the first day I was aware I as a person had value. I never let go of that feeling, and I carry it in my chest in a little glass box. I take it out and play with it sometimes, but because of that day I was able to realise it is okay to be who I am not who others want me to be.

    I am aware of the extreme social normative displays around valentines day and I do eschew them personally, because they are really ugly and excessive. Valentines day can be what you make it, it isn’t about cards, flowers, tacky gifts. It is about reaching out to someone who needs love, love you give them.

    I practice wishing love into the world with every breath. I love you, I love everyone. This is very difficult and sometimes I fail but I try to live in love. I have those that I hate, but I try to not hate them and love them too. So even if you don’t feel it. You are loved.

  4. You know, I met my current boyfriend when I first ‘outed’ myself as a person with a disability in the dating scene. We’re coming up on 2 years now. We met on okcupid.com, which for the record I do recommend. Over the years, I’ve met a number of wonderful people there, not the least of which is my boyfriend!

    A few years ago, on a Valentine’s Day when I was bitterly single, I decided to throw a party. I invited every one of my friends who were either single or dating someone long distance and thus were alone that evening. We had a pot luck, watched a movie, played a bunch of games…it was a good time. There was a lot of love in that room, nevermind that it wasn’t the romantic type.

  5. I agree!

    Valentines day shouldn’t be about one love in particular, it should be about reaching out to EVERYONE in the world and letting them know you love them, despite whoever or whatever they may be, they’re human, so we love them all…well….I say that but I love my cat too =)

    My friends go on girl x girl mock dates (though if they were dating its not like I’d judge them) and its kinda sweet except for they fact that they’re scared to go out to get lunch or something….which I find really funny =D


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