Vertigo (Trigger Warning)

I wish I was about to write about the movie, by Hitchock. I love that film but alas. I am talking about my latest issue. I am not sure if this will effect my writing ad…. okay that is a lie. It is effecting my ability to think, because every moment is a spinning cashm of nausea and if I open my eyes I cannot stop the urge to be ill. I have endured this before but never for so long, nor with the notion that it may be permanent. That thought leaves me fighting tears.

I think as a result I must get rid of things that make it more dangerous to try and walk, because I have no choice. I must walk as my chair is broken again. I do not think any amount of money can repair it. I would still face challenges with a working wheelchair from this like not running into walls, but I would not be at an added risk of falling.

The vertigo has been going on for a few weeks. It was so minor at first that it was more queasiness than dizziness, and now it is more dizziness than even thought. I am crying while I write this and have my eyes closed to try and leave some room for words to formulate themselves. I am sorry if it is illegible at the end but I trust my hands to do their job. I rarely look at the keyboard when I type so why start now?

There is a  problem. William Shakespurr. When I can see straight, without the world spinning so fast that I cannot breathe muchless pay attention to where heis, he is a tripping hazard. He attacks my feet at times, and I cannot take care of him this way. I have kicked him hard, four times today. I just got up. The only reason I kicked instead of tripped over is the wall that was my friend. I am considering trying to find a temporary home for him but I secretly know this is not enough. I have been staring down the barrel of his being too much for my to handle for a while, but the last thing I want to do is leave Sprite alone. She needs a companion.

When i went to the ER because I got so dizzy I either fell and hit my head knocking myself out or fainted from the dizziness, which can apparently happen, Sprite came with me. She was noisy during the ambulence ride, she was noisy during any proceedures but over all she handled it well. She even managed to endure my blood draw. The most likely cause ofm y vertigo is Meineire’s diisease. A genetic condition that is rare. Of all the damned things. I am so angry at those words. rare. Genetic. As if it is their fault that my body is screwed up.

I no longer can watch TV, listen to music while trying to walk, the sound vibrations make the vertigo way worse, and the TV people move the wrong way making the queasiness worse. My ears just popped and the spinning for a moment went away. It’s the weirdest thing. It wasn’t long enough to spell check this post, but it is enough I can try and calm down. I am only calm about this when talking to people. I think that this shield, to protect myself, may give people the illusion of Super cripple. The doctor yesterday said to me even, “It cannot be that bad you aren’t crying.” To which I replied, “I am like a clown, my tears are on the inside, because I don’t have the energy to coddle you with them.” He wasn’t too happy but did his job sufficently. He wound it down to a course of no treatment possible, that I can agree too.

Another player in this is my mother. You see yesterday I found out my liver is starting to crap out. My liver function test was off by enough it is a concern, The only thing is that should not cause Vertigo. No, instead it is a hallmark card from my childhood. Drugs I did not need to try and make me be docile, emotionless, and just what my mother wanted. I took 90 different antidepressants in the course of ten years. There were other things in there, antibiotics, sometimes pain meds if I hurt myself enough that it was not ignorable, a doctor who kept insisting Itake drugs that I went into anaphalactic shock with so she could experiment with it. Funs tuff. This is where the trigger warning plays in. In my persuit of a ride home from the hospital I found out that my mother expected this sooner, and has no remorse over the fact that she fried my body. This is MY BODY not hers. How dare she be given the right?

I know, it is the rights of a child. None. If I was an adult woudl the doctor have gotten away with poisoning me? No. If I was an adult would my mother be able to control what medications are prescribed? No. The doctor would have been sued, instead of congratulated for making me quiet for a week. Yesterday reenforced for me too that the life alone has a challenge. When you have a need and it comes against the Superbowl? Even people who do not watch it will expect money in exchange for a five minute drive. i come secondary to everything. Why? What did I do to deserve that? I was born.

The more my adulthood progresses the less I want to see anyone in my family. I did however, before I even knew that the vertigo is likely a permanent fixture in my life, call the agency and ask for weekend caregiver hours. I am giving up something to gain something. If I hvve a weekend caregiver, I don’t have to risk going hungry. I cannot risk bending enough to reach the topshelf of the fridge. I cannot risk food. My mother’s reaction to my asking for a recipe that will be easier on my already upset stomach too was to point out that I should just not eat then I can lose weight. Is it any wonder that this consistently queasy feeling has me remembering my time as an active bulimic? Bulimia and anorexia are not things you ever recover from, but they are surmountable. I cannot keep my food down, but I do want to.

I am not certain I can follow through on getting rid of William. I love him. When he behaves he is one of the sweetest cats, and usually his misbehavior comesout of his own issues or bordeome. He does not understand that walking me to the bathroom and stopping in the middle of the door is a bad thing, and i do not think he ever will.

Vertigo is the most disabling condition I have. With the others, at least I could do things. At least i could think. With this I can just sit here, or sit in bed.

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4 Comments

  1. There is a book Dizzy which is very good. The last part includes some exercises and alternative therapies that can help with balance disorders. Right now, you are having a full blown attack but, once it has settled down, you can do things to help rewire your brain to better understand the signals it is receiving. I have lived with vertigo for over three years and when I do not do the exercises that work for me I begin feeling it very quickly. Because there are different causes behind the effect, I can only say that the things that work best for me are:

    1. Walking (a functional exercise because walking is so fundamental to everything else)
    2. Yoga (I do this daily–my morning practice helps me know just how bad my vertigo is for that day)
    3. Qigong/Tai Chi (slow meditative movements that also woks on the energy)
    4. Eye and head movement exercises (some are described in the book–my physical therapist recommended specific ones to meet my needs)

    On days when the vertigo is so bad I cannot stand there are still some things I can do sitting down (yes, even yoga and some qigong practices can be done in a chair) and I even found a book (Asanas in Pajamas) that has a yoga practice you can do in bed.

    I type with my eyes closed too, however, because I find reading a computer monitor will exacerbate my condition over time. I spend short periods of time at my computer and then move on. I hope your vertigo attack passes soon and you can find ways to help yourself feel better and stronger from day to day.

    I write about my vertigo in my wellbeing blog, along with other things. You might find some information in there that will help. Please feel free to email me if you like. I can only tell you about my own experience but that’s better than nothing.

  2. Thank you. I really appreciate the advice on this book and will seek it out. it is still on going and I am going to get a second opinion on Monday. I am torn between believing this is a forever thing and just an ear infection. Time will tell. I appreciate the hope.

  3. I don’t know if it’s any comfort, but when you’re dealing with medical malpractice, your statute of limitations starts when you discover the injury – which is to say, it started when you were appraised that the liver damage existed and could be related to the prescriptions you took when you were a child. What I’m trying to say is that you probably have the right to sue now.

    ~Kali

  4. That is a huge comfort actually. My inner desire for retribution is very strong right now, and with this information I looked into it. The doctor has been banned from practicing medicine, it seems he moved to the big city (well okay big for my state) and his practices were found lacking. I may still sue but, I feel some closure knowing he isn’t hurting others.


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