“I wish…” (Trigger Warning)

Today was going to be simple, I thought. The plan was to just reorganize my computer corner. It was growing legs, and even for an able bodied person was inaccessible, due to the previous care giver’s inability to plug things in at sensible locations. I realize my tone is already a snarl, and that will be explained as we go along but I am feeling a deep burning rage, violated, and hurt. I also am feeling grateful, safe, and loved. Today, I found something that has left me shaking.

Over the last few months, you have come on me with a journey of hunger, pain, terror, and betrayal. Over and over the theme repeated, and my personal pain has yet to abate. I am still fighting. I am still pulling myself forward one step and breath at a time, but it is not getting easier over all. I am starting to have moments where I begin to feel like the old me, but most of the time there is this grey pall over my mind. I am not certain that the Old Me is going to come back. I think that I have changed, and will continue to change (hopefully back to the positive) and never will resemble her.

I woke up this morning after a strange dream that made me laugh. Crawling out of bed I did my usual morning routine, and for once did not hate my face as I looked up after washing it. Instead I felt pretty. I got dressed in my pajamas, and went to eat breakfast. My caregiver arrived and we began. I moved to the couch, while she moved a bookshelf, a table, and then the chaise lounge that I spend most of my day in. We turned off my computer, and pulled all of the wires. Everything was cleaned, organized, and adjusted. No longer do I have to crane my head to see the computer but, it is just as I wanted it. My TV is visible too, so I can multitask satiating my need to always have something to do, to read, to see.

I was exhilarated. I was flying, we did this together, and now I have what I need. We moved on then, after lunch I decided to see if the used DVD player I got at the flea market worked, and this required readjusting the entire TV set up. Pulling out boxes, bags, and other crap that was stuffed away I found it then. A bag of money. Mostly change, it added up to enough that the betrayal stung and I am trapped in a torrent of rage and hurt. I went hungry. I had no reason to. The stash was not something I created. Instead it was positioned beneath my change jar’s old location. A my new caregiver couldn’t even get to this spot before, we had to move furniture, though K of course could. This bag was one I used for shopping, and it disappeared one day when I asked her to put about two dollars in change in the change jar.

If I had taken a nap with her here would I have been poorer? I know the answer is yes. I feel enmity. How dare she steal from me right as I watch her. How dare she? Why wouldn’t she? I found in that bag too that I secretly had hoped the missing money would not show, that I could have my doubts about this suspicion forever. Doubt means I could hope that this woman was a decent human being. Dashed are these hopes, and again the cruelty and stupidity of the human race burns at me. Glowing eyes in shadowed night no longer but glaring bright in day, secret evils? Just denials. Nothing can I do to keep them at bay.

I wish… I hope. I dream. I wish I could have lived a completely average life. Average.  Boring. No need to reach for the stars to crash land again and again. No pain. No broken heart. No aching soul. No lancing rage, no aching fears. A life that cannot exist in this world that spews consistent hatred against anything alive. If I had that life would I wish for the adventures I now endure? Trying to reward myself for my hard work I put my favorite movie in the DVD player, I have been trying to watch this movie since I moved in to this apartment. (Tombstone with Val Kilmer if you are wondering which one it is).

Half way through the movie silence filled my home. I made myself get up. I am tired. I hurt. I wanted to stay still. The DVD has deep cuts in it. I did not check, as there is no reason for this. I will replace it, but I will not be happy about it. How can I be? I settled for my second favorite movie (Wyatt Earp with Kevin Costner) and tried to put the latest proof of violation out of my mind. This week has been full of highs and lows, and I am too tired to deal with it. I wish I were too tired to care.

I have had a neighbor try and shoot at me, because I did not let him rob me and turned him in for vandalizing my yard. I have discovered more of my things were stolen after the move, I have discovered too that people still care. People I barely know, that felt drawn to me. I was given two bamboo plants with dragon holders, I started a new year. every moment of the day I have at least one cat with me, curled up in close comfort. I hurt so badly too. I have another abcess, this one the doctor says is not one that is normal so I must take antibiotics, and itch away. Yet Costco carries enough food I can eat that I spent sixty dollars of my budget there, on just food. It will last me for several months, if I eat healthily.

I even got a new treat to help myself transition to a healthier diet. Yoghurt (fat free, sugar free), Blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, and skim milk. Together in a blender. This is my breakfast. I have ENERGY when I drink it. I am starting to feel physically better, around the exhausting disability.

I wish… I could always feel peace… but then I would not know it was peace.

The pain, the suffering. The struggling… I wish it would end, without death. With death? I think that statement reflects my dangerous mental health state. I did keep fighting. I will keep fighting.I also found out, I won one of the battles finally. I have not given up trying to get my needs met, and in demanding that the insurance cover vision care, that they cover mental health care, I got notice. The barely repaired scooter, that YOU my readers helped me fix up? It may soon be replaced. I know it was worth it to get it working for now, but over the next few months I am going through assessments to see what wheelchair will work for me. Assessments to see if it will still work in six months. Maybe by 2011, I will have what I need.

I wish it were true, not just a hope. Maybe the hope is the wish?

I wish too that 2010, is the start of the best decade of my life. I am so tired, I feel so old. I do not feel lonely… I do not feel abandoned. I do not feel strong. I do feel alive. The numbness is gone. Maybe I am healing.

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