Vanity

My vane side will be challenged Monday. I am not so sure a dash of vanity is a bad thing. Vanity helps me present a good image when I am in a professional situation. Vanity gives me a reason to brush my hair even when I cannot get out of bed. Vanity is not as wicked as it could be if you only have a small dose.

I am going to the Dermatologist to finally give in, having a part of my head shaved and a giant mole/tumor cut out of my head. I put it off for over a year but the Mole thing is growing again. I put it off more out of my fear of pain than having my hair look a mess. I am going to buy some nice headscarves and cover what is missing until it grows out. I also look darned good with bangs, so I will eventually have those too.

Haven’t I had enough pain? The pain alone from this mole is bad, but the needles in my flesh that will come Monday will be worse. I can’t avoid it anymore however. This mole is not cancer. I am pretty sure of that. If I am wrong I’ll regret waiting to say anything for years and procrastination but, it is the result of sun damage.

Some of my worst memories with fashion center around this mole. Going to the salon they always cut into it with the brush and scissors, ignoring my warnings that I had a giant mole that stands up an inch tall on my head. I hide it in my hair but, I have never felt it was hidden. My fear is that my hair will not grow back in that spot, that forever I will hold more scars, more risk for torment. More otherness.

Beth Oblong from the Oblongs Series with her short hair and tumor on her head.

Beth Oblong from the Oblongs Series with her short hair and tumor on her head.

This image encapsulates how I have felt for years. Beth Oblong is a girl from a cartoon that was geared for adults called the Oblongs. They live in a Toxic Waste dump, their otherness is flaunted in the show, the otherness got it canceled. When I first saw it, I identified strongly with the character of Beth, if only because I have a rather large thing sticking up out of my head. It’s always there, often it hurts, and as a child I was not allowed to hide it adding to the many reasons that the other children could ridicule me.

That ends Monday unless a surgeon is needed to get it off my head. I am scared, but happy. It’s one way to lose some weight right? I do not need to include pictures of my actual head mole here, nor will I share the grotesque healing process with you.

This is just one way that vanity can help and hurt. My vanity will help me work out ways to hide my wounds which will let my heart heal but vanity also stopped me from seeing a doctor sooner. Doctors can ridicule too and being made fun of for being different has left me wanting to never show my face again in many ways.

Just remember, if you have any moles or skin spots that seem off, do see a Dermatologist. Even if they want to cut it out, it’s better than being sick. Once my head mole is gone I can brush my hair without having to skip a bit. I am so afraid I keep thinking it is tomorrow but there is just one more day, one day left with hiding it. One day.

Then after I heal, just like the one I used to have on my face, I will be free.

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