The Burning Question about… Hygiene

Hygiene. Every human has it, some may not know what it is but bathing, daily needs. Each person has a right to be clean, healthy and happy. My journey to self acceptance included this tidbit. I deserve to feel beautiful. Right now I feel my after shower queasiness. I feel the stabbing pain, and have a nice new burn. My cold water lost pressure, I turned it off after the shooting pain of being burned hit, the shower head thrust against the wall. My hands grasped for the proper knob, the cold should be on all the way, the heat grows, I turn off the hot water, there is just a dribble of scalding liquid now, the cold is on all the way but no one is home. I feel the rage welling up in my chest. This is my shower for who knows how long. This is my time to get clean, to feel beautiful, to wash the layer of sweat and pus and blood off of me.

Then, I realize, a child could shower and have this happen and be injured severely. I get madder, and am definately going to talk to my landlord about this. I must advocate to find out why I was burned. Not only was I burned but the burn is under my stomach roll. That area is difficult to keep dry, the HS makes it harder too because I have an outbreak. The skin is fragile. I am temperature sensitive to an extreme as well. Why do I not question that this water is scalding? I must trust myself to advocate. I must also trust my body to tell me when the pain is worse than the pain of regular water. It helps that my skin is red and tender. In life second guessing yourself is defeating yourself before anyone has a chance to try.

I burst into tears as a result of the added pain. I was already at my limit, dizzy before I turned on the water. I have to bathe today, it’s been too long and my mind was suffering. Doctors always reprimand me if I am not clean enough. My mother used to as well. She would tell me if I could smell myself then I was dirty. I always smell myself. She shamed me for playing in the dirt, she shamed me out of the shame she herself faced. It does not excuse it, but without an understanding of what happens to the body and why things are the way they are, there is less understanding.

I bathe twice a week. So far, I have felt clean most of the time. I regret the lack of beautiful hair this can sometimes cause, but, that is the biggest concequence. Why do I bathe so little? Especially when I have a disease of the flesh that causes boils? Two reasons. One, passing out in the shower is extremely dangerous. I do not have the urge to kill myself. I have learned when my pain is too much and so far I have not been wrong about the fainting thing. If I might faint in the shower, I usually come near to passing out without getting wet. Water causes me pain. I do not drink it, because it makes me sick, and putting it on my skin feels like pouring flaming acid down my body. Redundant but very painful. The other reason is that when I started bathing less, I stopped having outbreaks daily. There are times when my skin is closer to clear.

Bathing strips your skin, at least it does mine. It hurts, and often I feel beautiful even if I have not scrubbed myself that day. My skin is healthier. I do not really see a downside, except when the pain prevents me from bathing when I have sores. Sponge baths fail me, though, I am working on new ways to be clean anyway. As an advocate at times I will force myself to endure the shower knowing that either that day or the next afternoon I have to be Ultra Presentable. This is the Super Cripple thing. Super Cripple is always well manicured, bathed, and has her hair coifed. Regular person with disabilities? Not so much.

I cannot bathe without assistance from my person and my care giver. He, since they are both male, helps me in and out of the shower. Sometimes he has to do the cleaning too. Usually this comes from my sleeping late and facing my daily paralysis routine. I wake up unable to move. Sometimes I cannot breathe enough. If I have to do the force bathing, this is when I must most of the time.

I was also taught that wearing underwear makes you a good person. This is a huge paraphrasing of events, and words. I hate underwear. Panties and bras do have a purpose, but I hate them. Lets start with Bras. They have never supported or fit right. I am not sure they come in my size, and when I hit the specialty store, the little old lady always tries to sell me something, but in a few days it shreds. When I wear a bra I always have four breasts, which means it doesn’t fit. I then wind up with giant raw spots and bigger boils and abscesses during out breaks, which never end. Bras have elastic. Have you ever known elastic to not contain latex? Me either.

I do like the look of my body with a bra, but the pain of my breasts pulling on my shoulders and back is enough without stacking them into a confined space, changing the weight distribution. Last time I did that I lost another vertebrae. My breasts have caused me to develope scoliosis, my doctors theorize too that my back would not have broken if I did not have such large breasts. By now you are wondering just how big they are. Me too. I need to remeasure. Last time I measured I was a 42 inches around my underbust, and at the thickest part of my non bra wearing self, I had 56 inches. They got bigger. I do not know if they make bras that fit.

I want a corset. If I won’t wear a bra I would hate a corset right? Hardly. I used to wear them for work. One of my jobs was reenacting as a demure civil war maiden. The corset was made for my body, and I always had extra energy after work. Sure I was a bit tired but I felt so good, and my back never hurt. Corsets also work as back braces, and some insurance companies cover them. Not mine, they don’t cover a regular back brace. I am appealing this, because I have a prescription for one.

On to underwear. They too have elastic, and my skin just peels off in sheets. Have you any idea what it is like to have your pubic region inflamed? Burning and falling to pieces? Blisters all the time, worse at times when the HS was responsible, but always a blistered burning, raw pain? When I wear panties I do.

My mother used to tell me that not wearing panties would make me into a slut. Sometimes word for word. She was trying to make me safe, because girls who do not wear panties are easily attacked right? Someone might see your girly bits too. I am not mocking her concerns, but, I still don’t wear unders. I used to get to school, pop into the bathroom and take them off. I was terrified I would become a slut growing up. In High School that all changed, when, I realized that the slutty pregnant girls wore underwear. My fear of the sluttiness faded. Most of my High School class wound up pregnant before Prom. They all wore underwear. They used to talk in class about what kind they had on. Underwear is not a slut preventative or a cause.

Some underwear is better than others. Just my Size has a really great french seam over the elastic, so, I can wear them in moderation. i save the panties for short skirts. I feel less inclined with pants, than ever. Some pants are bad for no underwear, so I just don’t own them. I stick with soft fabrics, and so far I have not had yeast infections, blisters, and the like from no panties.

Humans judge one another on their Hygiene, the requirements change annually. Now the requirement is a nice powdered face, tom marrow it might be silver eye make up. The point of these confessions? My hygiene is mine. My body is mine. I am a good person, and, no matter how much I clean I cannot scrub disability or humanity away. Neither can you.


  1. I don’t blame you for wanting to advocate. I’d be furious.

  2. Helpful Health Research Website…

  3. Great Health Information…

  4. Respected Health Free…

  5. I am very often. I never deny my anger, I just try and work with it so that my anger doesn’t defeat me.

    I also LOVE your user name. That is absolutely fabulous!

  6. Helpful Health Info…

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