Why I did not turn to “God”

I am too tired to sleep. Instead I decided to read some disabled blogs. I am not a Christian. I rejected Christianity a long time ago. I do not reject Christians but I do not share your beliefs. My own religious choices come from exploration, to seek what is right for me. Part of this comes from the fact that the God of the Christians was used as a tool to facilitate the abuses I suffered. “God hates you. You must die to please him.” “God hates women who have short hair, and that child has short hair. She must have the devil beaten out of her.”

Two out of thousands of excuses that their God fearin folk used to beat a child. They used god as a reason for why I did not deserve to eat. A reason for my mother to stay with a man who wanted her dead. Before I was aware of my disabilities, I heard often how a disabled person found god. I keep a Jesus figure in my couch for occassions to “find” him and make the conversation stop, with a good laugh.

I do not want to offend anyone, but, I am offended by disabled people always being portrayed as God Fearing White Men. The man who saved me yesterday was Black. I felt comforted by his presence, as if two strong arms held me. Does this make god a black man? Some say feelings of security all come from god.

I am well aware that this conversation is a bit controversial. I respect many people of many religions. I read a blog by Wheelie Catholic with great regularity. I just ignore her posts that are just about god if I am feeling uppity. I am leaving god as a lower case because I am a polytheist. I believe in multiple dieties. Not every person comprehends the notion of one omnipotent and infallible being.

I cannot believe in one god. Instead I believe all religions come from a root need. I need something to put my faith in. I still pray, just to the gods that my brain can fathom. Religion begins with one person, be they a prophet (IE Muhammed, Jesus, Buddha) or a Seer. They see this unadulterated light, they feel guidance from it, and explain what they see. People see the light through them.

Eventually Prophet Seer dies. How do the people still reach the light? They take paint to the window that they looked through, trying to outline what they remember, and what they themselves can see. Over time, through generations, people might add things that are not there. They might try and demonize people who do not see what is there from the same perspective. They might forget some important lessons.

This perspective has let me help people who ARE Christians. I respect your religious choices, and expect the same respect. I may not always have my expectations met, and I am a known idealist, but I will not discriminate. I am reminded with this line of thought about a woman who discussed her life with me.

She was healthy, not disabled, but depressed. She was going to commit suicide and had come to a bookstore to find how to books as well as books on how to heal after someone you love commits suicide to leave with her body for her children. She had sent her disabled child to visit family, so that she would not be the one to find her. She felt drawn to me, she could see me in the shoes of her daughter, productively assisting someone else.

We talked for several hours about her life, and she wanted to commit suicide because she felt helpless. She thought if she died, her daughter could obtain the insurance money and pay for her medical treatment. I debated with her on the invalidity of this thinking, I shared access to resources, and she left with books on how to train cats. She is alive, right now. Her daughter did not lose her caregiver or her mother.

Isn’t suicide verboten to Christians? Don’t you go to hell if you commit suicide?

As if this wasn’t controversial enough, now I am going to bring up Eugenics and Hitler. I am against human euthanasia. I never thought about it, before Teri Chaivo. I was too busy struggling in my own blind existance and praying I could survive. When I heard about how she died I wanted to scream. I wasn’t positive that no one was home in her mind. I felt a sick certainty in my gut, as I had felt the snap of bone in my back, that she had felt each and every agonizing moment.

I began to debate in my mind about the value of euthanasia. It is wrong. I do not need more pressure on me to just die. My own nephew asked me why I am not dead. I explained to him that just because I hurt, doesn’t mean I do not feel joy and that I want to live. I have a lot to laugh about. I have a lot to live for.

I have considered suicide rather recently, due to the pressures of environment. I took away the abuser, and I haven’t thought about death since. I am still fighting to get my pain meds. I am facing another two month stretch without pain medication and this is frightening. I don’t want someone to decide that because I am aware of my rights and will fight tooth and nail for my civil liberties to be respected, that I should die. I do not want people to be put to death or denied treatment because they lack insurance. I was denied proper medical care and it disabled me further, doctors ignoring broken bones left me in permanent agony.

If you help someone die, add pressure to their lives, or even neglect them to the point that they must starve, you are a murderer. Our government is full of murderers in my eyes. When I think on this, I question all of these prolifers. Why is it that they can fight for an unborn baby who may or may not live, but they fight FOR the right to kill me? Most people who contemplate suicide have a reason they feel despondent. Usually there are ways to remedy this.

There is a woman out there whose name I do not remember, I heard about her hunger strike, to fight against improper care. First and foremost, the media victim blamed her, soft peddling the facts. Secondly, problematic patients are often given substandard care. No extra care is given for those with cognitive challenges. Often, when someone reacts with violence they are triggered.

This all forgiving God I hear so much about, the one who disables people for their own good, the one who lets children get beaten in his name. I cannot fathom his reality. The faith of millions of people, lead by a bigot (that would be the Pope), has been open to question. I am not so blind as to presume all Catholics agree with the Pope or even respect him. I am aware that the world is shifting, truths are coming out about the history of the Catholic church. Truths are coming out everywhere about reality. We are on the cusp of great change.

I do not feel hope when someone tells me how they felt god. I have felt my gods just as equally. I do not want to be told I have to be religious or even faithful now that I am disabled, but I do want people to question the Euthanasia debate from a standpoint of their personal religion, as well as a social one. History shows the danger of Eugenics.

Hitler was a gay disabled dark haired Jewish man. He hated himself so much that he tried to eradicate all disabled, gay, non blonde persons, many of whom were Jews. Eugenics were his tool. Washington and Oregon both allow for human euthanasia, and I can tell you now, other states may follow. Are we really going to allow for weak laws that do not require psychiatric involvement (as far as I know, I could be wrong) and for people who are “terminal” to die earlier? It may not sound bad to you, but, what does terminal mean?

I have heard it means a condition that will kill you. I have heard it is an uncurable condition. Does this make spinal cord injuries TERMINAL? Who defines terminal? I often disagree with medical professionals assessments of the condition the disabled live in. I lived in a very dangerous environment, and many people remain blissfully unaware that a respected person is actually an abuser. Many people ignore what to me is obvious. What if a person who hates the disabled comes along and determines that terminal means you are not white, have any physical ailment including Athsma, and must be redheaded? The end of the world comes.

One arguement for Euthanasia is that people are suffering. If someone is terminal, (definition meaning six months to live) they will die. Not true. My aunt has lived with cancer for over 25 years. Before I was born she was told she would not make it to the end of the week. She is still here, she is healthier than many people I know and she IS terminal. She will die from cancer eventually.

Arguements for Euthanasia also imply that the able bodied should have the right to tell me how I feel. You may look at me and see a woman shaking from pain, in a wheelchair who must surely hate life. I feel utter peace. Often, I find my internal balance can over ride the burning pain in my body. When I gave my speech today, I felt energized, I felt alive, and I did not feel like a disabled person. I felt like ME.

Euthanasia is bad. Some people may want to die, but, should they? Euthanasia devalues life itself. Do you think you should be put to death for your challenges? Do you think that if you break your back you will want to die? You might, but, you will over come the stupidity of people who ignore your rights. Euthanasia is prevalent with animals too. We kill thousands of animals, and people protest this. It still happens but there are some against it. Let’s not risk shelters full of rejected humans being lead to the slaughter. Can anyone say Soylent Green?

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5 Comments

  1. […] Right Pundits created an interesting post today on Why I did not turn to quot;Godquot;Here’s a short outlineI am too tired to sleep. Instead I decided to read some disabled blogs. I am not a BChristian/B. I reje… […]

  2. Re, the woman on hunger strike to receive adequate care: That sounds like Minna. She started eating again at some point, but not in full proportions (ie., only enough to survive). They were going to start up care for her again in February, but apparently the care since then has not been reliable, leaving her in a situation that continues to be precarious. So she and her supporters are still battling on.

    There’s a Facebook group in support of her at:

    http://www.facebook.com/groups.php#/group.php?gid=50628557006
    (This is a public group, so I believe people may be able to view it even without joining Facebook)

    Also, some old information at

    http://reunifygally.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/save-minna/

    (The Facebook group is more up to date)

  3. Yes, Minna is the woman that I was thinking of when I wrote my post. Thank you so much for giving more information and access to potential ways to help. I truly fear for her, and as a result have begun local campaign efforts to try and raise awareness for the disabled community. Soon there will be more info posted on this blog.

  4. I read this with great interest and I must say your writing is very powerful.

    I am an advocate for voluntary euthanasia. I don’t believe that anyone but the patient has the right to make the decision, and when they do, all help should be given. Not when the patient is declared terminal – as palliative care can make a patient comfortable until the end. But there are some heartbreaking circumstances; when the patient is in unspeakable agony, has lost all human dignity due to bladder and bowel incontinence and they feel the time is right. To deny them the choice over their own life, to me, is like denying a woman reproductive rights.

  5. Thank you, I am glad people find power in my words. It is an honor.

    I am not wholly sure I am against Euthanasia, a part of me wholly accepts and agrees with the point that it is their life. I disagree with your statement that something such as incontinence is a good reason to die however. I know a good amount of people who do have bowel issues due to injury and live full and better lives. Most heart breaking circumstances are changeable. That is part of why my views on Euthanasia shift often, though I remain so far on the side where it is unacceptable. If we regulate it carefully, with multiple doctors, social workers, and care personel there to protect the person desiring to die, to make sure it is truly what they want and not the will of an abuser then yes, it could be made legal.

    No law can ever please anyone, I myself agree with abortion. Make it legal, I doubt the stats will change by all that much.


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