Ana Phalaxis- Super Villain!

I made a mistake. I ignored symptoms that could have killed me last week, during an allergic reaction. I have become so used to stifling my own needs through the years of surviving and it nearly killed me. I also have a limited education by my medical staff on how to handle my reactions, most of them writing off my lists of allergies as an attempt to get out of eating food I do not like.

I am not a hypochondriac. I was diagnosed as one when I was a child, because invisible illnesses are very complicated and my mother never told new doctors about the existing diagnoses she had. I have multiple diagnoses that were remade as adults, and only then did she actually believe that these disorders could effect my life.

I was sent to a mental ward for being in pain. This sounds preposterous doesn’t it? Your child is suffering, so, you have her locked up because it must be all in her head. You have her trained in how to lie to herself, so that she will take herself seriously.

I do not personally believe Hypochondria exists. Part of what makes the diagnosis work is that you supposedly get something out of your claims of pain. I never did. I remember telling my mother when my hands hurt, visibly swollen knuckles that would barely bend, and I was told to stop being lazy. This denial and imprisonment escalated changes in my fragile mind, which caused more issues.

Even now, as an adult, I can hardly acknowledge when I need help. I have a caregiver who I still forget to ask to bend and pick things up. I am physically unable to bend over without fainting, yet, I tell myself to not bother him. He is paid for this, which has helped me begin the process of healing, yet, I still hurt myself out of habit.

I did make it do the doctor in time, it took me three days. Three days of being barely able to swallow or breathe, and three days of repeat attacks without exposure. I also could not eat. Then, and only then did I seek medical help. The last time I went to the ER for an allergic reaction was when I was very small, usually I self medicate yet, I also know just how stupid this is.

This time, in the ER I had an experience that woke me up a little. I had a doctor who not only took at least ten minutes of inspecting my body and asking questions about my needs, but, he never once denied that I have severe allergies. Instead, he prescribed the necessary medication to help me heal. He also suggested I try and see an allergist, because the severity of my reaction without eating the food is rare. Most people with food allergies actually have to at least put the food in their mouth or to physically contact the substance.

I have documentation of my reactions changes, and I do not doubt that my primary care physician will send me to an allergist but I do believe that this reaction will change the level of care I receive. Last time I went to an allergist they gave me the blood and skin prick tests, yet they claimed that I did not react to either. Instead of telling me that I do not have allergies, I was told they were merely minor, and nothing to worry about. They took away the epipen, despite my having gone into anaphalactic shock repeatedly in my life. Not once, not twice, but over 20 documented times.

I am only twenty four, and my body rejects so much but, my allergies are not severe? This confused me, yet I did my best to follow orders, though, the doctor turned out to be wrong. There are other tests they could perform to check for allergies, yet, I am hoping this time all it takes is my handing over a list of the foods I react to.

I am still struggling to breathe today, but, I can think once again. My throat is still visibly swollen, but my inhaler for asthma is finally making a difference and I can feel the air in my lungs. The doctors are worried I will develop pneumonia now, though, because my lungs shut down for so long without treatment and even when I went in to see the doctor my heart was responding to the reaction.

I did spend the last few days reading up about allergies, reeducating myself, reinforcing my value and the value of my body and it’s needs. I need to protect myself, I need to love myself, and I need to teach the people around me how to identify anaphalaxis.

Until this experience as an adult, aware that it is not all in my head, I have always thought anaphalaxis meant I had to go to a doctor to survive. My thoughts were wrong. Some people survive anaphalaxis without medical care, though the extreme nature of the reaction does make this often true, there are some reactions that are still Anaphalaxis that do not kill.

In all of the times I have known about being in Anaphalactic shock I did seek doctor’s care, but, the times I have dealt with the symptoms of an attack, the times I have felt my throat starting to swell, my head getting light, and the times that my hives have burned through me, causing fevers and chills? I have no idea how many times I have dealt with that.

I am going to write an educational program with my doctors’ input to teach people about allergies, or I am going to find an existing one and take part in educating myself and others. Education can save myself, and it might make it easier for me to ask for accommodation with my allergies.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life in the apartment, I do not want to have to hide anymore. I have stopped attending too much of life’s fun parts and I miss it.

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